[OT] Jokes page

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How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

PASS THIS ON TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS CHEERING UP, AS THIS WILL DO IT.

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The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner in 1946, when the summer temperature in Detroit was close to 100 degrees fahrenheit.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car to view their invention.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he immediately offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now, old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on millions of Fords.

So they haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed to settle for $4 million, with only their first names to be shown on the dashboard.


And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show on the controls:

"Lo, Norm, Hi , and Max".

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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade
>> name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also
>> has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin
>> and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
>>
>> The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
>> After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
>> recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
>> Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
>> Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
>>
>> Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon
>> be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
>> power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible
>> for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no
>> longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names
>> of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff
>> drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT &
>> DO.
>>
>> Thought for the day: There is more money being spent
>> on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
>> This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population
>> with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
>> what to do with them.
>

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?'

The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars,

But Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.

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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange................ Orange



Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.


'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!'

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I RACED A HARLEY TODAY
i raced a harley today and after some really hard riding i managed to pass the guy. i was riding on one of these really, really twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curved have warning signs that say 25kph

i knew if i was going to pass one of those monsters with thoseb big cubic motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important the horsepower alone. i saw the guy up ahead as i exited one of the turns and knew i could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy . i concentrated on my braking and cornering. three corners later, i was on his fender. catching him was one thing , passing him would prove to be another. two corners later, i pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. i think he was shocked to see me next to him, as i nearly got to him before he could recover . next corner, same thing. i'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get the throttle and out power me. his horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

my only hope was to outbrake him. i held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. i kept my nerve while he lost his. in an instant i was by him. corner after corner, i could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. five more kilometers to go before the road straightens out he would pass me for good

but now i was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. i stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the valley, he was more than a corner behind. i could no longer see him in my rear view mirror

once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a hundred meters. i was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. in the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more horsepower and deep pockets, i had passed him, though it was not easy, i had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and i had preserved the proud tradition of another america's best bikes

i will always remember that moment . i dont think i've pedaled so hard in my life. some credit must go to malvern star, as well. they really made a great bicycle

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A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

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BEST COMEBACK LINE OF THE YEAR !!!!

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trustyour fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old dogs.. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world..

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.

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A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.


She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.


He took pity on her and said 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.'


Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'


The girl nodded yes. 'After all, what do I have to lose?'


Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.


That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.


From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.


Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain ..'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.


'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away'
she explained 'I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me.'


''He certainly is,' the captain said. 'This is the Manly Ferry.

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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.



Sum Ting Wong

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2 tough questions - are you ready?


Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...


Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.


Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.


Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks
an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?


Decide first... no peeking, and then scroll down for the response.
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals....built the Titanic

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At 90 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her husband was so old, Jenny decided that after their wedding, she and Roger should have searate bedrooms because she was concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

So after the wedding festivities Jenny prepared herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough, the knock came, the door opened and there was Roger, her 90 year old groom, ready for action. They united as one. All went well, Roger took leave of his bride, and she prepared to go to sleep.

But, after a few minutes, Jenny heard another knock on her bedroom door, and it was Roger, again ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consented for more coupling.

When the newly weds were done, Roger kissed his bride, bid her a fond good night and left.
She was set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it - Roger was back again, rapping on the door, and was as fresh as a 25 year-old, ready for more 'action'. and, once more they enjoyed each other.

But as Roger got set to leave again, his young bride said to him, "I'm thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I've been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good for a one-off. You are truly a great lover, Roger.

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turned to Jenny and said: "you mean I was here before?"





The joys of getting old!

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Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

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AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?

Joe Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock

(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot

(MADE IN CHINA )

was perking, he shaved with his

electric razor

(MADE IN HONG KONG ).

He put on a

clean shirt

(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),

designer jeans

(MADE IN SINGAPORE )

and

tennis shoes

(MADE IN KOREA )

After cooking his breakfast in his new

electric skillet

(MADE IN INDIA )

he sat down with his

calculator

(MADE IN MEXICO )

to see how much he could spend today. After setting his

watch

(MADE IN TAIWAN )

to the radio

(MADE IN INDIA )

he got in his car

(MADE IN GERMANY )

filled it with PETROL

(from Saudi Arabia )



He then spent the rest of the day at the job centre, wondering why he couldn't get a job in Australia