[OT] Jokes page

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Wise Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had
been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there
he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for
an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I
pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all
our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love
their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"


"Like I'm talking to a f%$#*n' brick wall."

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Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me... No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

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Subject: Texas Chilli Contest

A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is a scream!
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:
(Frank is Judge #3)

Chilli #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chilli...
Judge #1 --A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge #2 --Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge #3 --(Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texan's are crazy.

Chilli #2 Austin's Afterburner Chilli...
Judge #1 --Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 --Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 --Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich Manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face.

Chilli #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chilli...
Judge #1 --Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 --A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 --Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer...

Chilli #4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge #1 --Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 --Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge #3 --I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge #1 --Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 --Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 --My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chilli #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge #1 --Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge #2 --The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb
Judge #3 --My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on
myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chilli #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chilli...
Judge #1 --A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 --Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3 --You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chilli...
Judge #1 --The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 --This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?

[Golly Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Golly]

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hahaha funny Chippy love the Snow Cone line, lost it.

Having a Anglo Indian wife, the chilli flows at our house, love the stuff, cant get enough. !!!! 8)

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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>
> Economic Warning....
>>
>>
>> Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus
>> Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain
>> using
>> the Q and A format:
>>
>> "Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?*
>> "A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
>>
>> "Q. Where will the government get this money?*
>> "A. From taxpayers.
>>
>> "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?*
>> "A. No, they are borrowing it from China . Your children are
>> expected to repay the Chinese.
>>
>> "Q. What is the purpose of this payment?*
>> "A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
>> high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
>>
>> "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?*
>> "A. Shut up."
>>
>>
>> Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by
>> spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
>>
>> If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China .
>>
>> If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs
>> and Al Queda
>>
>> If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan .
>>
>> If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico ,
>> Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
>>
>> If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea .
>>
>> If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India *
>> *
>> If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
>> *
>>
>> If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria .
>>
>> And none of it will help the Australian economy.
>>
>> We need to keep that money here in Australia. You can keep the money
>> in Australia by spending it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or
>> tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in Australia
>> *
>>

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh . . .



(scroll down)







































'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

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Meteorology - Australian Style

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia
asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old
secrets.When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be
like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect
firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the
Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to
be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite
cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood
in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look
like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure
that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going
to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals
in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure
sign.' :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Nude Runner
>
> A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
> rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard
> her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your
> clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
>
> 'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
>
> 'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's
> got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
>
> So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
> window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
> discovered
> he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
> started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
>
> Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
> as
> best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
> watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
>
> 'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
>
> 'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
>
> Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes
> with you under your arm?
>
> 'Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
> right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! '
>
> Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always
> wear a condom when you run?'
>
> 'Nope.........just when it's raining.
>

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teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:

To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is,

'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

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Performers of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.


They include:



Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.



Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .



Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.


The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver



The Comm odores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba---
Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando ---

Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy ---

I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.


Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.


And Last but NOT least
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

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Trivial Pursuit





Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

(Answers are below)


1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 112 centimetres long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring wasn't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.



Now, scroll down for the answers.........................
















They are all TRUE... Now go back and think about #16!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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MY LIVING WILL








Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'



She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.



She's such a bitch ...

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Obituary
Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to
come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always
fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are
in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It
declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to
administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but were
not required to tell parents when sex education is given and children were
taught how to use condoms' then teachers could not inform the parents when a
student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't
defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you
for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame,
and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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Subject:* Fw: Truck for Sale ......love it

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his
parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He
calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a
Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the
parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for
fifteen dollars?' they said.

'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name -
*they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going
on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new
Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did
it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off
to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back).

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his
new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

So I did.

[raydes Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close raydes]

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift . The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary . Every word out of the birds mouth was rude , obnoxious and laced with profanity .
John tried and tried to change the birds attitude by constantly by saying only polite words , playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the birds vocabulary . Finally , John was fed up and yelled at the parrot . The parrot yelled back . John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and angrier and even ruder .
John in his desperation , threw up his arms , grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer . For a few minutes the bird squarked , kicked and screamed . Then suddenly there was total quiet . Not a peep was heard for over a minute . Fearing that he had hurt the parrot , John quickly opened the door of the freezer . The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Johns outstretched arms and said " I believe I may have offended you with with my rude language and actions . I'm sincerely remorseful of my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my behaviour "
John was stunned at the change in the birds attitude . As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour , the bird continued , " May I ask what the chicken did ? "