[OT] Jokes page

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HOW TO DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.
Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids .
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

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A priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The doctor said, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The businessman called out, "Move it you guys, time is money."

The priest said, "Here comes George the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" Said the priest, "What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls."

The Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?"

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HARD TO BELIEVE,?BUT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE U.S.A :
????
? ??FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a?
hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her?
armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control?
was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.?
eeewwwww.....?
??
??
? ??PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with?
lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in?
her privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I?
would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it?
was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a?
recent hysterectomy.?
??
??
? ??PING PONG ANYONE??----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a?
stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling?
around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the?
mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The?
concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock)! causing constipation and?
pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's?
rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.?
(Boy - we live sheltered lives!)?
??
??
? ? BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER?
complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses.?
He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back?
in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.?
Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his?
contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of?
his cornea. (Oh my gosh!)?
??
??
? ??OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State?
emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his?
hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.?
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening?
for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the?
table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??).?
While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp?
down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and?
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until?
she let go.?
??

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WORD FOR THE DAY: LIQUIDITY


Definition:
Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.

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Whale Joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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JOKE OF THE YEAR...


GOLFER'S HONEYMOON


A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball
right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as
he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon
next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a
splint to let it heal and keep it straight ... It should
be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four
sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and
they go on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no-one
has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies ...'Look at this
, ... still in the CRATE!'

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This is a new one for little Johnny and the teacher.





> > > LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN.... A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

> > >

> > > Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

> > >

> > > Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that wasgood Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

> > >

> > > Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

> > >

> > > Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

> > >

> > > The teacher sat down and cried.

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Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour..'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

*****************

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'

*****************

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

******************

Stress Reliever Girl:
'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

******************

Stress Reliever Girl:
'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

The instructor said, During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

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Something we should all remember.

A 92-year-old, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each
morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved
perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After
many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled
sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he manoeuvred his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description
of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

‘I love it,’ he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just
been presented with a new puppy..

‘Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.’

‘That doesn't have anything to do with it,’ he replied.
‘Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is
arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice;
I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the
parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful
for the ones that do...

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day
and all the happy memories I've stored away.. just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank
account of memories!

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank. I am still depositing.

'Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Have a nice day,..... unless you already have other plans.

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CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m . The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..."

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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?

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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a***hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half'.

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Queensland, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Queensland,' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby league players up there.'

'Really!' said the manager. 'My wife is from Queensland!'

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?'"

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It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is
raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. Times are tough
and everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays
a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the
rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt
to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the
pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to
the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay
his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her
"services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro
note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when
she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter
so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the
rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like
any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt,
and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..

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Dear Mr. K Rudd & Mr Swan ,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Australias economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:


There are about 2 million people over 55 in the work force. - Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Two million job openings - Unemployment fixed .

2) They MUST buy a new Australian CAR. Two million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed ...

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed .

4) They must send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate fixed

5) Buy $50 of alcohol / tobacco / fuel a week there's your money back in duty / tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed , have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.