[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.





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I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Did I read that right?

[mackerelmauler Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close mackerelmauler]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Stop it my stomach is hurting from laughing so much.

mackerelmauler

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.


'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunch time.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,"Wow,She’s fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet....
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out
as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of
the queue.Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f#@*ing life,she's reversing!!"

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The J........ 5 !!

[QUICKY Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close QUICKY]

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was
being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice
fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles......
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,
I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.

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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent..'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

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Bath night

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could
have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a
bathroom but she use a tin bath in front of the fire.....

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts ," she said.
So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised
to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband
when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll
leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do
you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did
you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

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A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,

"Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once,and I need something to keep me horny.. keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says,

"Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says,

"Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies,

"You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?"

The man says,

"No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

[tileys Member Find all posts View Profile Close tileys]

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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

...and he noticed the car boots were full of meat so he said "what's all that for?" and the salesman said..."that's the spare veal"

...then he saw a man in gym shorts carrying what looked like scaffold and he said - "Are you a pole vaulter ?" and the man said - "No, I'm German but how did you know my name was Walter ?"

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SERENITY


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's licence.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.



Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,



You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.'

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STUPIDITY

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because
of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (Darn, and that's
the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap". (And
that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost". (But, it's just
a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down". (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But
wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce
the

rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds
with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (And...I'm taking
this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only".(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".(Now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". (Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts".(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one: On a
child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals". (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!