[OT] Jokes page

[MDS69 Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close MDS69]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A young couple wanted to join the church, the vicar told them,

'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the vicar ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the vicar inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The vicar asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'




'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Bunnings Hardware either.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Secret to a long marriage

WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE LAST SO LONG

A husband asks his wife,

"You never argue when I get mad at you.
How do you always control your anger?"

"I clean the toilet."

"How does that help?"

"I use your toothbrush."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

NEW WORLD SURVEY

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


And finally........................... In Australia they hung up because
they couldn't understand the Indian accent of the researcher.

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A : Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.

Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple.....it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

The next pandemic

I went to a dinner party last night, where I, and other guests, enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick.

Cheers!

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck,gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back prett y good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you.'

'what do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened.'

" .... but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers I think i got most of them back in. "

[Russ WA Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Russ WA]

Re: [OT] Jokes page



Russ

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your younger female has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) The older female is is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer..

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu...
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion
from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said:
"Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor - "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu"
those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

The history of the middle finger

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send

it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel

edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle ofAgincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory

over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured

English soldiers Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw

the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of

fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native

English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as

'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and

began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated

French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather

difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has

gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often

used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the

pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic

gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

[johnv Member Find all posts View Profile Close johnv]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Hope it hasn't been posted before.

johnv


Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
;
;
;


She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
;
;
;


She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

Last time I tried that I got .....

"Gee .... the eggs are still a little underdone ... you'll have to go again." :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

....... I come from the land down under."

YEH, WE'RE ALL SUCH A SMART BUNCH DOWN UNDER

Rural Australian Computer Terminology
A little bit of Aussie culcha.....

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty
receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a bigbreath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore and takes her
Complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a
Sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,

"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"










"It's Keith, the dwarf!"

.