[OT] Jokes page

[mjrandom Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close mjrandom]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Mensa question:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 400 mm below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get off the merry-go-round you're pissed. *

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Such a beautiful Language . . .

English Signs from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID..

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Subject: Don't step on the ducks!


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
> When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
>
> So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
> Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
> The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
> The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
> for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
>
> She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
>
> St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
>
> The happy woman says,
>
> 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


> The guy says,
>
> 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
>

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

You Gotta Love Those old people

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up
a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the
store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get
to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose.. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the
coyote population.




It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.




What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled.




This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta
Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference
room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem.
Those coyotes ain't f****** our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'


You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

an oh sh1t moment

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with a shouted, 'Let's go.'
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the
pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.
Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is .. . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?

[mjrandom Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close mjrandom]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

I was in the Bar yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my Beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that Iwas listening to my iPod

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

I dont go through this thread that often, so dont know if its a repost,
But.

Chippy was attending his 4x4 club's monthly meeting and had just
told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled
for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4x4
friends Chippy left to go back home to his wife.

When Chippy's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day,
who should be there but Chippy sitting up in front of his
truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast
stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Chippy?"


"I didn't have to" was Chippy's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair
with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up
behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see – thru negligee and she said, "Carry me into the
bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you
want."
So here I am!


(you can put whom evers name in there that you like.)

Jeff.

[fishfinder Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close fishfinder]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

This is a joke page ?
OK a really bad joke -- AFL TRIBUNAL - BUDDY - COUSINS -- sorry , passionate about the footy thought I would throw this joke in . :evil: :evil: :evil:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to
imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was
hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a
word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on
the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in
math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and
said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the
discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around.'

[lofty Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close lofty]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

This is a joke page ?
OK a really bad joke -- AFL TRIBUNAL - BUDDY - COUSINS -- sorry , passionate about the footy thought I would throw this joke in . :evil: :evil: :evil:

+1 :roll:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Pants and Panties
Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite,
I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother,
and said, 'Here, try these on.'

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any
problems."

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a
good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and
said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.
They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to
Mike.. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-a*ss attitude, you never will.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

>>>> VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
>>>>
>>>> How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
>>>> Marry It!
>>>>
>>>> What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
>>>> A battery has a positive side.
>>>>
>>>> What are the three fastest means of communication?
>>>> 1) Television
>>>> 2) Telephone
>>>> 3) Telawoman
>>>>
>>>> How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
>>>> They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
>>>>
>>>> What should you give a woman who has everything?
>>>> A man to show her how to work it.
>>>>
>>>> Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
>>>> waist?
>>>> Because you could easily fit another pair of t * ts in there.
>>>>
>>>> How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
>>>> Put a nipple on it.
>>>>
>>>> Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
>>>> Because they don't have balls to scratch.
>>>>
>>>> Why did God create woman ?
>>>> To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
>>>>
>>>> Why do women fake orgasms ?
>>>> Because they think men care.
>>>>
>>>> What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
>>>> Nothing, she's been told twice already.
>>>>
>>>> If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
>>>> have you done wrong?
>>>> Made her chain too long
>>>>
>>>> How many men does it take to open a beer?
>>>> None. It should be opened when she brings it.
>>>>
>>>> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
>>>> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
>>>> probably
>>>>
>>>> never be able to support you.
>>>>
>>>> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>>>> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
>>>> closer to the kitchen sink.
>>>>
>>>> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
>>>> When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
>>>>
>>>> How do you fix a woman's watch?
>>>> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>>>>
>>>> Why do men pass gas more than women?
>>>> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
>>>> pressure.
>>>>
>>>> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
>>>> the front door, who do you let in first?
>>>> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>>>>
>>>> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
>>>> A woman who won't do what she's told
>>>>
>>>> I married a Miss Right.
>>>> I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>>>>
>>>> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
>>>> drive by 90%..
>>>> It's called a Wedding Cake.
>>>>
>>>> Why do men die before their wives?
>>>> They want to.
>>>>
>>>> Women will never be equal to men..
>>>> until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
>>>> gut, and still think they are sexy.