[OT] Jokes page

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Under statement

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

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A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland.
Recently a routine Police
patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the
officer noticed a man Leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The
man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.
The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.. He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he
started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then
flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the
lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and
then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At
last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the
patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried
out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser
indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser
equipment must be broken.."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the
designated decoy".

t

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Oh the Good Old Days!!!!!

FENDER SKIRTS

I know some of you will not understand this message, but I bet you know someone who might.
I came across this phrase yesterday. 'FENDER SKIRTS.'


A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about 'fender skirts' started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers.'


And 'steering knobs.' (AKA) 'suicide knob,' 'neckers knobs.'


Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.

Any kids will probably have to find some older person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember 'Continental kits?' They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental..


When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes?' At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'


I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed.' Many today do not even know what a clutch is or that the dimmer switchused to be on the floor.


Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the'running board' up to the house?


Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - 'store-bought.' Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.


'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term 'world wide' for granted. This floors me.


On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.



When was the last time you heard the quaint phrase 'in a family way?' It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant' was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company, so we had all that talk about stork visits and 'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting..'

Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just 'bra' now. 'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the 'picture show,' but I considered 'movie' an affectation.


Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure '60s word I came across the other day 'rat fink.' Ooh, what a nasty put-down!


Here's a word I miss - 'percolator.' That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with 'Coffee maker.' How dull... Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.


I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like 'DynaFlow' and 'Electrolux.' Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'SpectraVision!'


Food for thought. Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.


Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most is 'supper.' Now everybody says 'dinner.' Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.


Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a 'certain age' would remember most of these.


Just for fun, pass it along to others of 'a certain age.'



IF YOU AREN'T OF A CERTAIN AGE, YOU MUST KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS.

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After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but
I have just one problem.
It 's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right... I will fix it up
right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
Eden .
"Well, Eve, how is My favourite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the
animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All
the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone..."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that
useless Tit?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

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Irish Jokes are still the best..

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment
when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone
got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'OK, I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
************************************************** *********


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and
bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a
terrible beating' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

************************************************** **********

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is swerving
all over the road.

The Highway Patrol pull him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to
drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his
arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife
fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf.'
************************************************** ************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he say, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
************************************************** ************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper on this side either.'

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Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it..

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'you shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied; 'now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'you shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

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INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.




DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.


Good Luck!
Tech Support

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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up'. And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus? The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps. By now he is totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'

'Yes, please, my Lord.'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over andsaid, 'Life is so boring.We never have any fun any more.For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked(as fast as an old lady can)through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and nakedOld lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

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A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa. Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across
and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running
around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs',
he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.

The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the
Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt
another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the
Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said

'Jeez Mate,
what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood
and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and
drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'

The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I
doing these Australian customs.'

'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.'

'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man.

'He say to become true Australian,

you learn to chase chicks,

drink piss,

and listen to bull-shit'

Ha Ha Ha Ha ....

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Oh the Good Old Days!!!!!

FENDER SKIRTS

I know some of you will not understand this message, but I bet you know someone who might.
I came across this phrase yesterday. 'FENDER SKIRTS.'


A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about 'fender skirts' started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers.'


And 'steering knobs.' (AKA) 'suicide knob,' 'neckers knobs.'


Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.

Any kids will probably have to find some older person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember 'Continental kits?' They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental..


When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes?' At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'


I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed.' Many today do not even know what a clutch is or that the dimmer switchused to be on the floor.


Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the'running board' up to the house?


Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - 'store-bought.' Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.


'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term 'world wide' for granted. This floors me.


On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.



When was the last time you heard the quaint phrase 'in a family way?' It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant' was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company, so we had all that talk about stork visits and 'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting..'

Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just 'bra' now. 'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the 'picture show,' but I considered 'movie' an affectation.


Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure '60s word I came across the other day 'rat fink.' Ooh, what a nasty put-down!


Here's a word I miss - 'percolator.' That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with 'Coffee maker.' How dull... Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.


I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like 'DynaFlow' and 'Electrolux.' Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'SpectraVision!'


Food for thought. Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.


Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most is 'supper.' Now everybody says 'dinner.' Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.


Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a 'certain age' would remember most of these.


Just for fun, pass it along to others of 'a certain age.'



IF YOU AREN'T OF A CERTAIN AGE, YOU MUST KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Oh the Good Old Days!!!!!

A bit of dementia perhaps... you posted this one on page 45??? :shock:

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One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, 'Why are you laughing, Mister?'
'I was just thinking about my own funeral,' the man replied. 'I'm a gynecologist'...........

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The 10 Best Caddy Comments



No... 10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

No. 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

No. 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

No. 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

No. 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

No. 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch --- it's a compass.."

No. 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

No. 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

No. 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

... And the No.1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.".

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A pastor was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it in to the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,

Let us sing Hymn #432, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'