[OT] Jokes page

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Who Knew?



1. To remove a bandage painlessly,




Saturate the bandage with vodka.



The stuff dissolves adhesive.








2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers,
Fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking,
Let set five minutes and wash clean.




The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.








3. To clean your eyeglasses,



Simply wipe the lenses with a soft,
Clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.











4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka
And letting your safety razor blade
Soak in the alcohol after shaving.

The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.











5. Spray vodka on wine stains,

Scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.











6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face

As an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.











7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.

The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair,
And stimulates the growth of healthy hair.











8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka

and spray bees or wasps to kill them.











9 Pour one-half cup vodka
And one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag

And freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches,
Pain or black eyes.











10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar
With freshly packed lavender flowers,

Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly
And set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter,
Then apply the tincture to aches and pains.











11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth

To rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.











12. To cure foot odor,

Wash your feet with vodka.











13 Vodka will disinfect

And alleviate a jellyfish sting.











14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy

To remove the urushiol oil from your skin.











15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.

Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.



















And silly me!



I've only been drinking it! HUMMMMMM

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A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin.

She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3-metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.


With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out...


'SH!T, SH!T, SH!T. THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'

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9 Things I Hate About Everyone
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I
>>> know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at
>>> my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> 2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
>>> room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V.
>>> and change the channel manually.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> 3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'.
>>> Damn
>>> right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> 4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course
>>> it is.
>>> Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
>>> do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!
>>>
>>>
>>> 5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No
>>> Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
>>>
>>> ?
>>>
>>>
>>> 6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give
>>> me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
>>> then there has never been anything before it.. If it's an
>>> improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't
>>> be new.
>>>
>>>
>>> 8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the
>>> longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> </ DIV>
>>>
>>>
>>> 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus
>>> come yet?'.
>>> If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?

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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

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Marriage with a laugh

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : "Nothing."
Wife : "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's..

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

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THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said....

'Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

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A.A.A.D.D.
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier..

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

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Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going..

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak...

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful
Woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward His seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to The annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
Nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use
My experience to debunk some popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American Men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all Categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
Know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

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Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

Most Old timers are helpful like that!

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy
who yells, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whisky, slams down the glass, turns and
says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks and him and says, "Well, your horse is standing there in
the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad
shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves his horse
into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water
over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he
notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start
running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver.

The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realises there is not much more
he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whisky.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that
outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse,
what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left
your Injun running."

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Making a baby.. hilarious!


There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs.. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs . Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes , I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

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A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in Kings Cross.

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"They become cab drivers," she said.

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Let's hope this happens to all of us!
98 and no enemies - human interest story


All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '
80% held up their hands..
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '
I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly..
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '
'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches.'