[OT] Jokes page

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British Humour.



A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.



Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured..



The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.



The rest of the world is in shock.



The USA is sending troops to help.



Saudi Arabia is sending oil.



Latin American countries are sending supplies.



New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.



The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.



Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.



Britain, not to be outdone,



is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.






God Bless British generosity

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Larry's proverbs....................





1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future.. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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If you receive an email entitled
"Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it . Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.


IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??



It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Vegemite and your Vegemite with Hair Restorer. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98/XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***



And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!! THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!



Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you -

you're on the bloody computer!!!!

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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

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A man woke up one morning to find a bear
on his roof so he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers.."

He called the number, and the bear remover says he'll be
over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrived and got out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asked?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the
roof, then I'm going to go up there and
knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in
the back of the van."

He handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asked the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

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A father, son and grandfather went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.

Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away, and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to hit first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the pin.

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even a soft seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."

She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honours, she hit first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course...

... If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner, and then show him a very good time for the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb, "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up, handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

OLD AGE AND WISDOM WILL OVERCOME SKILL EVERY TIME!!

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The Frog and Golf


A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club
away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed
the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas .
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into aGorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

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10 PEEVES THAT DOGS HAVE ABOUT HUMANS


1 Blaming your farts on me...... Not funny... Not funny at all !!!

----------------------------------------------
2 Yelling at me for barking. I ' M A FRIGGIN ' DOG

--------------------------------------------------
3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?


--------------------------------------------------
4 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

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5 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you ' re not home.


--------------------------------------------------
6 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.


--------------------------------------------------
7 Taking me to the vet for ' the big snip ' , then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!


--------------------------------------------------
8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven ' t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.


--------------------------------------------------
9 Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven ' t you noticed the fur?
---------------------------------------------------------
10 How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You ' re just jealous.

--------------------------------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who ' s boss here! You don ' t see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!




Love me when I least deserve it, because it 's when I need it most.....Chinese Proverb.

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I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!


5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."







Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?

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Subject : THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY .





& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible crevice furthest away from you.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre while running late for work.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to its' reachability.

& Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick!

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"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.

"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on:

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well, no."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, and pleased to strike a blow against the Irish stereotype, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs' legs, would you ask me if I was French?"

"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in Bunnings…"

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TRUE STORY FROM...

"THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER"

IN HOUSTON , TEXAS

MARCH 5th, 2009

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested,

Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back

As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.

The Following Monday Morning,

The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In,

And Asked To Explain Her Actions.

The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop

For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work.

I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe...

I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol,

That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.

All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.

As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man

Running Away From Me With My Purse.

I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly

Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud,

"No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."

I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol

At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse,

And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!

When Asked By The Arraignment Judge,

"Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?

The Woman Replied Under Oath:

"Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."

The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!

Now that's Gun Control

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At first I thought this was funny..... Then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think..

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Death Tax
Dog Licence Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment (UI)
Fishing Licence Tax
Food Licence Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Hunting Licence Tax
Hydro Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage Licence Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Provincial Income and sales tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Federal Tax
Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
--- and in 2010

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What in "Hell" happened?

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The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office for a desk audit.

The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!