[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin.

She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3-metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out...


'SH! T, SH! T, SH! T. THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Granddad reminiscing about the Good Old Days


"When I were a lad, Ya mum would send me down to da corner store wiv' a dollar, and I'd come back wiv' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.





Yer can't do that now...too many security cameras."

[Wil Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Wil]

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An American woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in America arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The American woodpecker claimed America had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.



The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The American woodpecker was amazed.



The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the American woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The American woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the American woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, and the American woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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>
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's, one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says,
> 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
>
> The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
> The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
> The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
>
> And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
> With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who Invented sex!'

> The Scotsman replies, 'Ack aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who Introduced it to women.'
>

[GXL05 Member Find all posts View Profile Close GXL05]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

It's not difficult to make a woman happy....
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:



45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

> THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY
>
> A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her
> Grandpa.
>
>
> When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and
> bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
>
>
> "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into
> the room, make a noise like a frog!"
>
>
> "What?" said her Grandpa.
>
>
> "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you
> croak, we're all going to Disney Land!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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An Isishman is cleaning his rifle at the kitchen table one evening while his wife was washing the dishes, when suddenly the rifle accidentally discharges and shoots his wife, who falls in a heap at the kitchen sink.

In a confused state of shock and panic, the Irishman rushes to the phone and dials 000.

Isishman: "help!!! It's my wife!!! I've accidentally shot her...I've killed her."

Operator: "Please be calm sir, we can't help you if you're in such a state...now can you first make sure your wife is actually dead."

*click* BANG

Isishman: "Okay, done that...wat should I do next?"


.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling
Through Europe in their car.. They get to Transylvania and are
Stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny
Little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through
The windshield.







'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'




'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
Abomination,' says Sister Helen.




Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
Clings on and continues hissing at the nuns..





'What shall I do now?' she shouts.





'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water
From the Vatican,' says Sister Helen.


Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams
As the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues
Hissing at the nuns.



'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.



'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.



'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.



She opens the window and shouts, 'Get off the car!!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Apparently the Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the economic stimulus package.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologist considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra .

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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The Pope and Tiger woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"


Tiger: "You're a day late."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia ...

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

[KybraBoss Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KybraBoss]

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I was in the cemetery the other day and I saw 4 men carrying a coffin round and round,
3hrs later I saw the same men with the same coffin & I thought to myself
......they've lost the plot.....

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al,
were sitting in an Indian restaurant in New York.
Sid asked Al, “Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India?”

Al replied, “I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.”

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Indian Jews?”

The waiter said, “I doon’t be knowing, I ask cook sahib.”
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, “No sir, no Indian Jews.”

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, “Are you absolutely sure?”

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, “I check
again,” and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, “I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in India. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

The waiter returned and said, “Cook sahib say there is no Indian Jews.”

”Are you certain?” Al asked once again, “I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!”

”Madhar Chod! Listen, I asked EVERYONE,” replied the frustrated waiter. “All we have is
Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews and Tomato Jews! - No Indian Jews!!!”

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her ' Pussycat. '


The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice, said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more'. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is! Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Subject: FW: The Boss




A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.