[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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Marriage and wisdom...

After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment,

a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19-year-old chick.

Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman.

It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl,

and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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BITCHES TILL THE END!

The doctor after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things are not good. I have cancer, So let's head to the club, and have a martini.' After three or four martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end; I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences, and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[Fozzy Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Fozzy]

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The doctor rang to say "Mr. Smith, your wife recently underwent some tests, correct?"

"Yes, that's correct" he replied.

"I'm sorry to say that a woman with exactly the same name was also undergoing treatment at that time and we've somehow confused the two results. Your wife either has Altheimers or a venerial disease."

"My goodness!" says Mr. Smith "What should we do?"

"Well" says the doctor "Take her for a drive and let her out a long way from home. If she finds her way back, don't sleep with her!"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Sometime this year, we Aussie taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment thanks to Ruddy Corp

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
Using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by Spending your stimulus check wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at K Mart, the money will
Go to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on Petrol, your money will go to the
Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or
China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to New Zealand ,
Fiji and Indonesia ..



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .




* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
To management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in Australia by:


1) Spending it at Garage sales, or

2) Going to Football games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only Australian businesses still operating )



Conclusion:

Go to a Football game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a Garage sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[LenGXV6 Member Find all posts View Profile Close LenGXV6]

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These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says, “What’s meat?”

The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”

The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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A woman walks into the Bundaberg Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours? "Yeah they are all
mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand
times before. She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find
seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - he is Terry." "OK,
and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Terry, also." The social worker
raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all
boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. "All right," says
the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?" Their
Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them
out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for
dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to
stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell "Terry" and all of
them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch

"I call them by their last names!"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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THE OLDER CROWD
*A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I 'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'

*An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....'


*Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


* The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


*Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know 'why'
I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


* When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.


* You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


* First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.


* Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.


* Two old guys are pushing their carts around Kmart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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>> MORAL FOR TODAY
>>
>> One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
>> piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
>>
>>
>>
>> Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
>> up
>> anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
>>
>> He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed
>> a
>> shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.. At first, the donkey
>> realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
>> amazement he
>> quieted down.
>>
>> A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
>> astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
>> the
>> donkey was doing something amazing.
>> He would shake it off and take a step up.
>>
>> As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
>> he
>> would shake it off and take a step up.
>>
>> Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge
>> of
>> the well and happily trotted off!
>>
>> Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
>> getting
>> out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our
>> troubles
>> is a steppingstone. We can get out
>> of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off
>> and
>> take a step up.
>>
>> Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
>>
>> Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
>> Free your mind from worries - Most "worries" actually never happen.
>> Live simply and appreciate what you have.
>>
>> Give more.
>>
>> Expect less
>>
>> NOW .......
>>
>> Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who
>> had
>> tried to bury him.
>> The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in
>> agony
>> from septic shock..
>>
>>
>>
>> MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
>>
>> When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes
>> back
>> to bite you.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Gotta love those Church Ladies and their typewriters!

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church… Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

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A POM, FRESH OFF THE PLANE AT SYDNEY AIRPORT, IS TRYING TO NEGOTIATE AUSTRALIAN CUSTOMS. FINALLY, WHEN ITS HIS TURN TO GET HIS PASSPORT STAMPED, THE CUSTOMS OFFICER STARTS RATTLING OFF THE USUAL QUESTIONS.



C.O....HOW LONG DO YOU INTEND TO STAY?



POM.... 1 WEEK.



C.O.....WHAT IS THE NATURE OF THIS TRIP?.



POM....BUSINESS.



C.O.....DO YOU HAVE ANY PAST CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS?



POM......I DIDN'T THINK WE STILL NEEDED TO.

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Gotta Love Drunk People


A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife..


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you

Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[KybraBoss Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KybraBoss]

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if
I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."


Lottery night comes again and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost
my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to
you.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life
back in order."





Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The
blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.



"Sweetheart, work with me on this . . . . . . buy a ticket."
>

[fishfinder Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close fishfinder]

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The Moped

An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
And asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars !'

' That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
' Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

' No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window
And looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot
in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be
and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari,
he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph,
and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
' Unhook my braces from your side view mirror!'