[OT] Jokes page

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Senior health care solution
So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no
nursing home available for you - what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are
allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 Ministers – not necessarily dead!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3
meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, and all the
health care you need! New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great.
New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. (And your kids
can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that
just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income
taxes anymore.


IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

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HOT & COLD S-E-X

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man:
'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"


The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
"Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in January.

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The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!













Why ???













OH, come on... take a guess !!!













Think about it !!!













You're going to love this !!!













Everyone knows...




You can't kill Two Birds




with OneStone!!!

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to
produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was
the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in
the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he
currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in
a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins
in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure
and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have
to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland,
Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would
not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas
anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down
to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that
Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on
going to paradise.

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YES,I KNOW SOME ARE OLD ONES BUT,HEY....YOU MAY BE AMERICAN....SO YOU'VE FORGOTTEN THEM







WARNING!!! If you hesitate in your thinking on any of these..............you may be a statistic?.


NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before,
but I have no idea how large they would be.'

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans.
'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans,
wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath - and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'






Caution...they walk among us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is equally unbelievable. (No comments needed!)






They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'

They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'..

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

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A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.


She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.


'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up

And says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe & she has no clothes on"


The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

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Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -

Shopping, pokies, massages, facials.


Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the Bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was
Sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands
over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.........
On the Bed, he had handcuffs and ropes!

He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said,
"Now, you can do whatever you want."
So here I am.

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What I Want In a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5.. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

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This story happened a while ago outside Dublin , and even
though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the
side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of
a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm
was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and
stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about
it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was
nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.


The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road
ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared
out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window,
but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear
down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and
ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started
telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just
had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he
was crying....... and wasn't drunk.





Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked
and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing
at the bar, one said to the other.....

'Look Paddy.....
there's that f*****g idiot that got in the car
while we were pushing it!!!!'

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The Three Roses...


A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vag*nal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

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Irish Password Protection!

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found
that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied:
''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had
to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''.


Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!

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Why we love children...

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass . As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

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Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or having balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife
on the butt, and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome...both result in death.

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My neighbour found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

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ZEN Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.


3.. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night