[OT] Jokes page

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A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

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Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[switched Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close switched]

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A beautiful story:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

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In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

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On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

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On a Church's Bill board:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

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At a Tyre Store

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

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On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

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In a Non-smoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

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On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push..'

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At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

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On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

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On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

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At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

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Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

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In a Vets waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

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In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

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And don't forget the sign at a

RADIATOR SHOP:

'Best place in town to take a leak.'

**********************

Sign on the back of yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

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A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

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A Somalilander arrives in Australia as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Afghani!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!'

The person says, 'I not Australian, I Iraqi!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Australia !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Pakistan , I am not from Australia!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian?' She says, 'No, I am from New Zealand !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The Kiwi checks her watch and says ....'Probably at work'

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The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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KEN & EDNA






Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.


And every year Ken would say,


- "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter!"


Edna always replied,


- "I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,


and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."


One year, Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,


- "Edna, I'm 75 years old.


If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Edna replied,

- "Ken, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."


The pilot overheard the couple and said,

- "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."


Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.


The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.


He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,


But still not a word....


When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,


- "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"


Ken replied,


- "Well, to tell you the truth,


I almost said something when Edna fell out,


but you know,


fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

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Tim was at school,the teacher asked all the kids what there dad did for a job,
kids yeld fireman,chippy,etc etc.
But tim kept quiet so the teacher asked him about his dad.
"My dad dances in a gay club and takes off all his clothes 4 men.
If they pay enough he'll go out with a man,rent a hotel room and sleep with them".
The teacher sent the other kids 2 lunch and took Tim aside 2 ask if that was true.
"No"said Tim," He plays for N.S.W Origin side but l was 2 embarrassad to say"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out
of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and
willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost
immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses,

you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use it.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of
clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur,
table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most
people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as
many women as you feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir...

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble making biker stands next to him, grabs his
drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with
Menacing stare as if to say, 'What are you gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I
didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between
sobs. 'I can't do anything right'. I overslept and was late to an
important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with
the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to
work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up

And drink the damn poison. '

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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front
of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out
of gas.'

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Subject: Worst first date award

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.
Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. ' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says,
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no problems. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'