[OT] Jokes page

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Don't Jump To Conclusions....


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says "Hello!"
He's rather taken aback because he can't place her.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had
sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery?'




She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional
5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks. Especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year.
Spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I say the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with beer

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die,
they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them

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MENSA INVITATIONAL



The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8 Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16 Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5 Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10 Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16.. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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i recently opened a cafe in japan. it started out a bit shakey , but people are slowly drifting in

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

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This could be the worst joke of all time :roll:

Whats the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?


Bird Flu you will need to go to the doctor for some tweetment

Swine Flu you just go to the chemist and get some oinkment.

Cheers Andrew

[cardinal28 Member Find all posts View Profile Close cardinal28]

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After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ...

"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

"Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

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My one day of employment


So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day ...................


About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean,
woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the
way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'No, they're not twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
madam
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, madam, I just couldn't believe someone
shagged you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

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The only cow in a small village in Ireland stopped giving milk.
The village folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the
bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to their vet,
who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, get this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

"You are truly a wise vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye :

"My wife is from Scotland.

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Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: ??- No Christmas?- No television?- No nude women?- No football?- No pork chops?- No hot dogs?- No burgers?- No beer?- No bacon?- Rags for clothes?- Towels for hats?- Constant wailing from some clown in a tower?- More than one wife?- More than one mother in law?- You can't shave?- Your wife can't shave?- You can't wash off the smell of donkey?- You wipe your arse with your hand?- You cook over burning camel shit?- Your wife is picked by someone else?- Your wife smells worse than your donkey ?? Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? No shit Sherlock!... ?....It's not like it could get much worse than that!

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Some years ago, Mick from outback Victoria married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her
Grandmother, all Aussie women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the vet since there wasn't a doctor anywhere for five hundred kms.
The vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his parents would fan a cow with a big
towel that was having difficulty breeding.

This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong young man to wave a big towel
over them while they were having sex. This, the vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Mildura to wave that big towel over them as the vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the vet.

The vet suggested they change partners and let the young man do the love making while Mick waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the
other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Mick looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
"And that, mate, is how ya wave a fookin' towel"

[dermie75 Member Find all posts View Profile Close dermie75]

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Some years ago, Mick from outback Victoria married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her
Grandmother, all Aussie women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the vet since there wasn't a doctor anywhere for five hundred kms.
The vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his parents would fan a cow with a big
towel that was having difficulty breeding.

This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong young man to wave a big towel
over them while they were having sex. This, the vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Mildura to wave that big towel over them as the vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the vet.

The vet suggested they change partners and let the young man do the love making while Mick waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the
other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Mick looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
"And that, mate, is how ya wave a fookin' towel"

I love it!! Nothing like sticking it up the Vics every now and then!

[dermie75 Member Find all posts View Profile Close dermie75]

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Sister Mary and Sister Josephine had just graduated from nu school and had just moved into their new flat on the Convent grounds.
The flat needed a bit of work so they decided to ask Mother Superior if they could paint the inside.
Mother Superior was somewhat apprehensive, "Okay, but don't get any paint on your new habits".

They both go off and buy the paint and the brushes and gear and plan how they going to do it.
Sister Mary suggested to Josephine, "Let's paint in the nude so we don't get paint on our habits".
Josephine replied "Okay but we won't tell Mother Superior or let anyone in".

They both strip off and get to painting. A short time later, there's a knock at the door.
Both nuns panic . . . "Who is they ask?"
"It's the blind man" comes the reply.

Sister Mary turns to Sister Josephine and says "This will be a laugh, he won't be able to see that we're naked so let's let him in anyway."
They open the door and let the man in.
He replies "Nice rack sisters, where do you want your blinds?"

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If My Body Were a Car
This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...
But that's not the worst of it.?
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.?
But here's the worst of it --?

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

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My wife asked me, "How many women have you ever slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling."

"Your kidding me, right?" she beamed.

"No, Honey, it's true.....With all the others I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

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Flu season, good advice


To avoid it...
Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.



Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.



Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.



Walk for at least an hour a day,

Go for a swim,


Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.


Wash your hands often..
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.


Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.



Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.



Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...


I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka....(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...


If you keep your alcohol levels up,
Flu germs Can't get you!
As my grandmother always said,
'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

Live Well -
Laugh Often - Love Much