[OT] Jokes page

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

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Three Scotsmen and three Maori's are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in  England .  At the station, the three Scots each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Scots. "Watch and learn  bro," answers one of the Maori's

They all board the train. The Scots take their respective seats but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Scots see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Maori.

"Watch and learn  bro ," answers a Scotsman .

When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby.  The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I’m having that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket.

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji.

[mjrandom Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close mjrandom]

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A man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he was going at this late hour.

The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body and social relations".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who on earth is giving such a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies simply, "My wife."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, AND the Chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so …………..
naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless ?

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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13 canaries


Three young women are at a cocktail party.
Their talk turns to their position in life,
and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the
French Riviera for two weeks,"
and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says,
"Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,"
and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says,
"Well, to be perfectly honest with you,
we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions.
But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder
on my husband's erect penis."

The first woman looks shamefaced and says,
"Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you.
We're not really going to the French Riviera.
We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says,
"Your honesty has shamed me.
To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes.
He bought me a Ford."

"Well," the third woman says,
"I also have a confession to make.
Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

I went out boozing last night with some mates.

Knowing I was totally wasted I did something I'd never done before.

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safe and sound, and was really proud of myself.

You see I had never driven a bus before.

[boomer52 2014 Track Topaz owner! Find all posts View Profile Close boomer52]

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that 2:30am!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent
him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir.."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do..”



~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~

[dermie75 Member Find all posts View Profile Close dermie75]

I will leave it up to the mods to okay this one or not...

What did Jesus say to his disciples as he was hanging on the cross?
Don't any of you bastards touch my easter eggs, I'll be back on Monday.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

That’s only 55 years ago!

Comments made in the year 1955!

‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it’s going to be impossible to
buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. ‘



________________________________________
‘Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won’t
be long before $1, 000.00 will
only buy a used one.’





________________________________________
‘If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents
a pack is ridiculous. ‘

________________________________________
‘Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.’

________________________________________
‘If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.’

________________________________________
‘When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.’

________________________________________
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’,
it seems every new movie has
either HELL or DAMN in it.’


________________________________________
‘I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it’s possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas.’

________________________________________
‘Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday
they’ll be making more than the
President. ‘

________________________________________
‘I never thought I’d see the day
all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They are even making
electric typewriters now. ‘

________________________________________
‘It’s too bad things are so tough
nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to
work to make ends meet. ‘

________________________________________
‘It won’t be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.’

________________________________________
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.’

________________________________________
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to
see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I
sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to
government.’

________________________________________
‘The drive-in restaurant is
convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.’

________________________________________
‘There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay
in a hotel.’

________________________________________
‘No one can afford to be sick
anymore. At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it’s too rich for
my blood.’

________________________________________
‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents
for a hair cut, forget it.’

________________________________________

Know any friends
who would get a
kick out of these,
pass this on!
Be sure and send it
to your kids and grandkids, too!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

After a visit to the whore house,

a man notices green lumps on his willy,

So he goes to the doctors.

“That’s serious” says the doctor.

“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.

“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.


So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.'

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

How do you put a condom on an elephant?





















You take the D out of Day, and the F out of Way!




















Of course we all know that there is "No F in way"

Cheers Andrew

[boomer52 2014 Track Topaz owner! Find all posts View Profile Close boomer52]

took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him..

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ...

"Got stoned once and screwed a parrot. Just wondering
if you were my daughter."

[boomer52 2014 Track Topaz owner! Find all posts View Profile Close boomer52]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.