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[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The following are all replies Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms when listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out 10. It takes 1st prize and 3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, butI believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise...

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom

9. So much about that night is a blur The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[boomer52 2014 Track Topaz owner! Find all posts View Profile Close boomer52]

THE IRISH BROTHEL

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of
the brothel over the road.The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Three pommies settle down to their lukewarm pints at the local when one of them says,

“Hey, look over there at that Irish bogtrotter with his Guinness. Watch me rattle his cage.”

So he sits down next to the Irishman and with a loud voice says,

“Hey paddy, I hear St Patrick was a thieving bastard who sold his mother down the river for a few pennies and chased after young Irish boys and girls, the dirty lowlife swine.”

Paddy calmly replies, “Is that so,” and taking another swig from his glass continues to read his newspaper.

The pommy slinks back to his friends.

The second one puts his slop down and decides to have a go.

“Listen paddy, You know your St Patrick was nothing but a rotten, drunken, motherfooking, filthy, slimy pimp.”

The Irishman puts down his pint, looks up at the pommy and says,
“You don’t say,” and continues reading.

He also returns to his mates dejected.

The third pom says, “I know what will get him going. Watch this.”

So he goes over and joins the Irishman.

“You know of course, paddy, that St Patrick was really an Englishman!”

The room goes quiet, the barman clears all breakables off the bar, paddy puts down his pint, looks up from his paper and then replies,

“Yes, your mates were just telling me.”

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Got a phone call from a mate last night.

He had just got back from a trip to London and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.

I asked, ''Where did you get that?''

“Well,” he said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar Square and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when they asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me a camera.

They lined up as a group against one of the lions and were all smiling at the camera.

Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!' and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

[boomer52 2014 Track Topaz owner! Find all posts View Profile Close boomer52]

Took awhile Spara but I finally got it. That's sick!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up both Telstra floats. Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard.
"How am I doing so far?"

[Fletcher120 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Fletcher120]

Superman is flying around one day when he spots Wonder Woman sunbaking naked on a rooftop . He quickly flies down and gives her a solid servicing before taking off again at high speed . What the hell was that ? says Wonder Woman . The Invisible Man replies , I dont know but my arse will never be the same again ! .

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
...but she did.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Feck me - talk about Dyson with death.


Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.



Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and six funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back
down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen" Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years... "



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Fook that" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind???"



Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up!"



A man walks into an Auckland pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You don't sound Kiwi".
"I'm from Sydney," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What the hell is a taxidermist?"
"I mount animals."
"It's alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us!"



Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet...


Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other's an instruction.


Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?


A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die, you get reincarnated
but you must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow."
I said "You're obviously not listening..."


Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years
after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.


I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "It's me talking to the beer."


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Phil's scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want
to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists)
being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for
Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in
your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will
help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers.

We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been
known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with
the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his
culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

*NO SPEAKAH DA ENGLISH*

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come-a-first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come-a- together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come-a-together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."


The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex
lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who's-a talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell-a
' Mississippi '."


$5.00 says you're gonna read this again! *

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym
when he spotted a hottie. He asked the trainer that was nearby,
"What machine in here should I use to impress that babe over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby".

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The bottom line: The Arabs aren't happy!
They're not happy in Gaza..
They're not happy in Egypt.
They're not happy in Libya.
They're not happy in Morocco.
They're not happy in Iran..
They're not happy in Iraq..
They're not happy in Yemen.
They're not happy in Afghanistan.
They're not happy in Pakistan.
They're not happy in Syria.
They're not happy in Lebanon.
They're not happy in Indonesia.

And where are they happy?
They're happy in England.
They're happy in France.
They're happy in Italy.
They're happy in Germany.
They're happy in Sweden.
They're happy in the USA.
They're happy in Australia.
They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.

And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN.
Addition: Maybe we should be putting some restriction on them so that they will go back and make their country of origin a place they can be happy in.