[OT] Jokes page

[Peterpilot Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Peterpilot]

5 Passengers, 4 Parachutes

An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, "I'm the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me."* So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped

The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Howard. There's a parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took my schoolbag!”

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Warning: Scam Against Older Men
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at shopping centres and in dark car parks etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, or K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, university-aged girls will come over to your car or ute as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also April 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and early this May..... it's very likely to happen again this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
The Reject Shop has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at Northland and bought them out completely.
Also, you can eat heavily at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Bunnings, to Mitre 10, to K-Mart etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Please take this seriously and pass it on.

Jon

Should I wash my windscreen first?

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Jon

Should I wash my windscreen first?

Keep it dirty!

[cardinal28 Member Find all posts View Profile Close cardinal28]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.


Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."


Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 12.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
And we can both fit there nicely."


Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."


Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."


Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable !!!

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

WA has experienced a sudden influx of New Zealanders following a Getaway program aired in Wellington recently.

The presenter commented that the Canning Stock Route is an annual event......

[williade Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close williade]

WA has experienced a sudden influx of New Zealanders following a Getaway program aired in Wellington recently.

The presenter commented that the Canning Stock Route is an annual event......

I didn't know they still transported sheep on the CSR....

[wooley Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close wooley]

I didn't know they still transported sheep on the CSR....

.........lol

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

My mate's going out with a pair of twins.
I said "how do you tell them apart?'
He said, 'It's easy, Julie has long blonde hair and Derek has a moustache'...

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in
Front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one
Little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
With joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep
Into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your
Hand? Show me....!"





So the Pope backhanded the bitch...

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The Theory of Intelligence

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this .



'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to
buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a photo of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife..

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "I apologise, you didn't
tell me you had a prescription."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming rugby Test Match and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu, "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby Test match just around the corner, he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my Test tickets off me!"

[mjrandom Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close mjrandom]

Paddy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from Fair Work Australia, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up accompanied by a union organiser. "Tell me about your staff," the inspector asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him $18 an hour for a 38 hour week, and he has a free cottage on the farm.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets $16 an hour and does about 20 hours a week, along with free board and lodging.

And there's the half-wit. He works roughly a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about $5 an hour while working a 100 hour week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" yelled the union organiser, "I demand to meet him. I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"





10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.