[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

ENJOY BEING AN AUSSIE!

Just imagine...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,
you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles
to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an Aussie!

[Cypress Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Cypress]

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays it's original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together....

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Man Flu - The Facts...


Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together....

What the hell is tea? did a woman write this?

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... .I assumed you had stolen the car.''

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a
note:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:




Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:




Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

BUYING A MATURE WOMAN'S BATHING SUIT

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added
bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would
be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me

willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top,

bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there

you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of
oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having
a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become
transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a
T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life
isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain,
with or without a bathing suit!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

This is alarming

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!


Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.




To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.



It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,

yes, 100% of all these men:



1) Argued over nothing.


2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


3) Gained weight.



c4) Talked excessively without making sense.


5) Became overly emotional


6) Couldn't drive.


7) Failed to think rationally, and



8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!



Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Husband and wife are lying back in bed after some strenuous activities:
Wife: Darling do I please you in bed?
Husband: Yes babe, especially when you do that crazy trick with your mouth!
Wife: What trick?
Husband: The one where you shut up and go to sleep.

2 Blokes in the pub:
Man 1: went for my routine check up today.
Man 2: Everything ok?
Man1: Everything seemed ok until he stuck his index finger up my a$$.
Man 2: Well that's a normal procedure.
Man 1: So you don't think I should change dentists?

[grizzly63 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grizzly63]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker ........ Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker ........ Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet

I haver a similar situation. I have a number of potential wives and unlike the majority of sinners out there I refuse to just try before getting amrried. My religious parents have said this is just wrong. So I decided to install some cameras ion the houses of the potentials.

The problem is the police arte saying this is an invasion of privacy. But I respect the privacy of these women and have never shown anyone else the tapes I keep for comparisoion purposes. I really don't see the propblem at all as this is just something between me and each girl. Nosey bastards......

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Port Power have just announced that next year's jersey sponsor will be Tampax.

A spokesman for Tampax said "Sponsoring a bunch of pussys going through a bad period is exactly what this company is all about"

They've also got Coles sponsoring them. Cause 'They're down and staying down'!!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

THE FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE



It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
" McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.


"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Port Power have just announced that next year's jersey sponsor will be Tampax.

A spokesman for Tampax said "Sponsoring a bunch of pussys going through a bad period is exactly what this company is all about"

They've also got Coles sponsoring them. Cause 'They're down and staying down'!!!!

Jeesh, sorry to hear dockers lost this lucrative tampax sponsership, they will get it back next year