[OT] Jokes page

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Port Power have just announced that next year's jersey sponsor will be Tampax.

A spokesman for Tampax said "Sponsoring a bunch of pussys going through a bad period is exactly what this company is all about"

They've also got Coles sponsoring them. Cause 'They're down and staying down'!!!!

This how Port lost round 18

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXatqcigUFw

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
**
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 pall bearers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot !
**
I was at a cash point/ATM machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
**
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said, "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
**
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 ! Sod this, I thought, I can get one much cheaper off the web.
**
6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
**
My son started a new job in Seoul last week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
**
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

TENDER MOMENTS
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.




As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:

'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.








'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily..
"What's up Dave" asked the barman… "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"
"It's my son" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the barman, sympathetically.
" I only wish it was that" continued the customer, "but it's far worse than that.
The little bastard has got our 18 year old neighbour pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the barman, "he's only nine years old."
"It's not" said the man…
"The little bugger's stuck a pin in all my condoms.



The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well,' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers on. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Paddy reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear1"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yeer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit!'




I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit.....?



Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest,
when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

ONLY A MAN
WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[starbuck76 Member Find all posts View Profile Close starbuck76]

Jeesh, sorry to hear dockers lost this lucrative tampax sponsership, they will get it back next year

Ouch!!!! That hurts!!

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

I was watching TV last night and an advert came on featuring an African Baby all covered in Flies!! I phoned the number on the screeen straight away to get one!Looks like it works far better than those sticky strips ive got hanging in the Kitchen!

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Ouch!!!! That hurts!!

Not as much as the score today against the Roos - wow 21.17 = 143 6.9 = 45

Perhaps we should start an AFL thread - let the sledging/debates begin??

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A big beefy man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a famous Rugby player. (no, not a GayFL pansy)
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his manhood he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!



It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

The Melbourne Victory manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghan play soccer, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Melbourne are 4-0 down to Sydney with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghan striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Melbourne.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Australian soccer.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and your sister raped, your brother has joined the rebels and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'

The young lad is very upset.. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
'It's your bloody fault we came to Melbourne in the first place!'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

29 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a ** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Top of the mornin to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink and never got their feet wet.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip stick !!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Herd of cows, A Flock of chickens...

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.


And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not ....... A Congress!

[mjrandom Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close mjrandom]

Sorry it is actually an 'unkindness' of ravens. And a building of rooks. Good though, love the Engrishu ranguwagey. Oops solly mixing my rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs and lllllllllllls again.