[OT] Jokes page

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Repeated Jon

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Assassin Interview
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position — two men and one woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom, making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on, just a minute, love, so at least, I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead!' she sobbed.
'But, they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless, that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

'I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

'So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat, because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

'Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

'Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear, because you say they are too tight.

'I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear, because I don't have good taste.

'I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don't wear, just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear, because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that, as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The English Plural

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.



If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?



Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!



Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.



We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?



Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?



Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?



We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing..........


If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no-one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s*** out of the lawyer and says 'Wid ye like me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

..........

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Grandma's Oranges

Annie was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Annie's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Annie told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

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Irish Math Test

A Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.






"What's this?" the boss asks.


"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."







The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."


The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."






The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"


The Irishman is now head of Qantas

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

It's almost that time of year again!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ! !

They remind me of politicians.

THEY ALL HANG TOGETHER, HALF THE SUCKERS DON'T WORK, AND
THE ONES THAT DO AREN'T THAT BRIGHT ! ! !

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The Rabbit
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?





The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...


'Mixin-me-toasties.'

[top truck Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close top truck]

The teacher asks a class of 10 year old for sounds that you hear on a farm.
Mary can you tell me a sound?
Moo Moo a cow miss
very good Mary
What about you Billy?
Well Miss Baa Baa a sheep Miss
Yes very good
Jenny have you a sound?
Woof Woof a dog Miss
Thats great
You turn Johnny you a farm boy.
No Miss I got no sounds
Now come on Johnny you must no one?
All right Miss
Johnny Johnny your been told before get of that f#?king tractor.

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SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The computer swallowed grandpa.

Yes, honestly it’s true!

He pressed 'control and 'enter'

And disappeared from view.

It devoured him completely,

The thought just makes me squirm.

he must have caught a virus

Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin

And files of every kind;

I've even used the Internet,

But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves

My searches to refine.

The reply from him was negative,

Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'

My Grandpa you should see,

Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' him

And send him back to me.

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An old nun
who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers
and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.


She decided she would take her lunch;
sit with the workers; and talk with them.


She put her sandwich in a brown bag and
walked over to the spot where the men were eating.


Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"


They shook their heads and looked at each other.. very confused.


One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"


One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"


The worker yelled back,

"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."