[OT] Jokes page

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Colin,the Aborigine



A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin,the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.



At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.



The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing
All kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell..



Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.



Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.

That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."



Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?



Colin said,









I want the bastard that pushed me in.

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An Old Prospector

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old
man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched
throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As
he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old
man, have you ever danced?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did
dance—and just never wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said,
“Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,” and started shooting at
the old man’s feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown
off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot
skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the
saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double
barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double
clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the
sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost
deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer
and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to
swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.

The old man said, “Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?”

The young bully swallowed hard and said, “No, but I’ve always wanted to.”

There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don’t waste ammunition.

2. Don’t mess with old people.

I just love a story with a happy ending....

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On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffeured to Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake
Burley Griffin is frozen over. As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that someone has "peed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense spared" and to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ...."Our investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......"We spent $5 million dollars on the investigation and have come to a successful result."

Well says Kev what's the bad news?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows that the urines is Wayne Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.

Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"



The ASIO chief replies..."The hand writing is Julia Gillard's".

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An Obituary printed in the London Times - not a joke and makes you think!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always f air;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place:
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sunscreen or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust;
by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility and
by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I am a Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not,
join the majority and do nothing.

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For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this
! An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line
of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk.He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I
HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant
replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've
got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out.' The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,
so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your
attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the
terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO
HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk
14.' With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F...
You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this) 'I'm
sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

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Aussie Tracker


An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists

the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian

Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.





The Americans were incredulous.




Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered,

lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.



"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.
It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has

dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."


The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.



"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.



The Aborigine replied,

"I fell out about half an hour ago!"

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Subject: Fw: FW: A bear, a lion and a pig meet...........





A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."

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Married too long

This wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she crosses her legs ……. enough times till her husband says”Are you wearing crotchless panties?”

“Yes,” she answers, seductively.

“Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.”

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Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best:
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know I prefer Construction Workers. Those
guys understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the
job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them up when he observed, "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. They've no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the
mouth and the arsehole - and evn they're interchangeable."

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A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago..."

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Housework was a woman's job, but one
evening, Jenny arrived home from work
to find the children bathed, one load of
laundry in the washer and another in the dryer

Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said,

'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own

housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day,
she told her office friends all about it.
'We had a great dinner.. Ralph even
cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the
kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed
the evening.'

'But what about afterward?'
asked her friends.

'Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired.'

God is good

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Housework was a woman's job

I had to laugh at that Jon

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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>> In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
>> faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned
>> for his nurse to come near.
>>
>> "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
>>
>> "I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer
>> before I die", whispered the priest.
>>
>> "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
>>
>> The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a
>> response.
>>
>> Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne
>> Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.
>>
>> As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne, "I don't know
>> why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our
>> images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all,
>> I'm IN IT TO WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.
>>
>> When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kevin's hand
>> in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his left.

>> There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
>>
>> Finally Kevin Rudd spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
>> chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"=20
>>
>> The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my
>> life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
>>
>> "Amen", said Kevin. "Amen", said Wayne.
>>
>> The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I
>> would like to do the same."

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While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom at all .

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.



'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Fawl off by itself!'

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This explains why I forward jokes.



A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered
dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He
wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a
high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine
marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed
in the sunlight.



When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like
pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as
he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side



When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'



'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.



'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.



'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'



The man gestured, and the gate began to open.



'Can my friend, gesturing toward his dog, come in, too?' the traveler asked.



'I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets.'



The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going with his dog.



After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a
dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been
closed. There was no fence.



As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book...



'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'



'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'



'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.



'There should be a bowl by the pump.'



They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand
pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a
long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog. When they were full,
he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.



'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.



'This is Heaven,' he answered.



'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too.'



'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?

Nope. That's hell.'



'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'


'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind.'



Soooo.


Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing
a word. Maybe this will explain.


When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.



When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, You forward
jokes.



When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you
forward jokes.



Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.


So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just
another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your
friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.



You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!