[OT] Jokes page

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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

*I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in.....until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again....

because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off!!!!!

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An American decided to write a book
about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took
a trip toOrlando, thinking that he would start by
working his way across the USA from South to North, then into Canada and on to the rest of the world.

On his first day he was inside a church
taking photographs when he noticed a
golden telephone mounted on the wall
with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued,
asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line
to heaven and that for $10,000 you could
talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and
went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral,
he saw the same golden telephone with the
same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind
of telephone he saw in Orlando and he
asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line
to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America,
Europe, England, Japan,New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same
golden telephone with the same
'$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel to
Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at the Gold Coast,
in Australia and again, in the first church
he entered, there was the same golden
telephone, but this time the sign under
it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so
he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all over the
world and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it
is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them
price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered,
'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.

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One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in northern winconsin were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say,

"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park..." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,

"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

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Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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Body Statistics


* It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
* One human hair can support 3kg (6lb).
* The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
* Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
* A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
* There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
* Women blink twice as often as men.
* The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
* Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
* If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
* Women reading this will be finished now.
* Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

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Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

Lady

Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Hospital

Do you know which ward she is in?

Lady

Yes, ward P, room 2B

Hospital

I'll just put you through to the nurse station

Nurse

Hello ward P, how can I help?

Lady

I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Nurse

I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.

Lady

Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!

Nurse

You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?

Lady - No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you anything in here...'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.?

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.??







2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.?

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'?





3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.??





4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.





5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:?

'A beer please, and one for the road.'?





6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:?

'Does this taste funny to you ?'?





7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'?

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'?

'Is it common ?'?

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'?





8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.?

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'?

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.?

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

? ? ?



9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.





10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.





11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.







12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.?

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'?

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'









13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.







14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ??

A fsh.?





15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.?

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

? ? ?





16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.?

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.







17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,?

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.?

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open ? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?foyer.'







18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in?Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in?Spain; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.?

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.?

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'









19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,?

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.?

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,?

he suffered from bad breath.


This made him??A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



? ?



20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.?

No pun in ten did.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

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Thanks Jon... a couple of really good ones there. Thanks for the laugh.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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Australia Day Poem

Australians are a funny lot, you'll often hear one curse,
How things have started badly, and they'll probably get worse,
The weathers dry, the sun's so hot it's stolen all the water,
The Government has never done the things we think they oughta'.

But if we hear a tourist say his home is much more grand,
They had better be prepared to make a very solid stand.
For although we Aussies may complain at what's become our lot,
When someone knocks this country, we defend with all we've got.

We may criticize some teenage brat, may even wish them failure,
But we stand behind them cheering when they're playing for Australia .
Because, if this is home to you, the country of your birth,
Then you back the native player to beat anyone on Earth.

When the cricket bats are swinging or when someone scores a try,
When a home grown horse has won the cup and made the owner cry,
When some Paralympics athlete hits the front and sets the pace,
You'll hear "Aussie Aussie Aussie" as the crowd goes off their face.

And although we like to take a break in overseas locations,
If you take the time to question this nomadic population,
They will tell you without blinking that wherever they may roam,
The best part of the journey was the last bit, ....coming home.

For the sun was never brighter on the beach at Waikiki,
Than it is on all the sandy shores Australia has to see,
The water never purer nor the air as fresh and clear,
The people never friendlier than those that we have here.

If you venture to the outback where grass is scarce as snow,
As you swelter you may wonder what it was that made you go,
But just look at the locals who have lived there since their birth,
And I know you will not find a better class of folk on earth.

All across this wide brown country from the Cape to Hobart town,
There are people who will help you when you find the chips are down,
And if someone should abuse you, and does it just because,
Then that person's not Australian, and that person never was.

So when you feel disgruntled just remember this rendition,
And never blame the country for the acts of politicians,
Look up and count your blessings when you see our flag unfurled,
And be grateful that you live in the best country in the world.

[lofty Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close lofty]

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Thanks Jon... a couple of really good ones there. Thanks for the laugh.

Ditto :lol: :lol:

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Subject: Labor v Liberal











I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted

to be Prime Minister some day.

Both of her parents, Labor, were standing there, so I asked her,

“If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you’d do?”

She replied, “I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

“Wow - what a worthy goal.” I told her, “But you don't have to wait

until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house

and mow the lawn, pull up the weeds, sweep my patio, and I'll pay you

$50. Then I'll take you over to the Coles where a homeless chap hangs

out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.”



She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only six.

And while her Mum glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and

asked,

“Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work, and you can just

pay him the $50?”



And I replied, “Welcome to the Liberal Party.”



Her parents still aren't talking to me.

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TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE . . .



An old Indian Chief was asked by a white U.S. Government official: "You

have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his

technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's

done."



The Chief nodded in agreement.



The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,

where did the white man go wrong?"



The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then

calmly replied: "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes,

no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the

work. Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all

night having sex"



Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think

he could improve system like that."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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An Indian Mystery revealed

Finally someone has cleared this up for me ...



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us

have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the

Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her

wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has

won a taxi rego plate in Adelaide, a convenience store in Melbourne, a

service station in Perth, a kebab shop in Brisbane or a take away cafe in

Sydney.



If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering

telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in

Australia.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Fw: Failing memory

If any of you get any of this wrong, just dont tell me





Your Yearly Dementia Test



It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we

grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you

lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of

intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The

spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your

answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.











1. What do you put in a toaster?



















Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go to Question 2.























2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?



















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next

question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content

yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.











3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from

blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is

made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why

are you still reading these???

If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.











4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany

(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West

Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail.

The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing,

decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before

he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's

land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the

survivors? East Germany , West Germany, or "no man's land"?















Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said,

"You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.











5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to

Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading ,

six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people

get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get

on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,

six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!















Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.







PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want

to consider this...



Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.



After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired

to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.



They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only

plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.



When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk

hands them a bill for $350.00.



The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so

high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms

certainly aren't worth $350.00!



When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate,

the man insists on speaking to the Manager.



The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains

that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference

center that were available for the husband and wife to use.



'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.



'Well, they are here, and you could have,'

Explains the Manager.



He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows

for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York,

Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.



'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.



'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.



No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,

'But we didn't use it!'



The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees

to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.



The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'



'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for

sleeping with my wife.'



'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.



'Well, too bad,' the man replies.

'She was here and you could have.'