[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

[Dupes68 Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dupes68]

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The difference between theory and realism


A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son.....go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.
Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

[Cypress Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Cypress]

Pastor's New Dentures


A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up....

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Some Fine Irishness:
> Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging
> your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
> Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home
> yesterday."
> ********************
> Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing
> with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in
> hell d'yis t'ink yer doing?"
> Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom
> lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to
> attracter.....
> ********************
> The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They've imported 50 million
> tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.
> ********************
> Paddy says to Mick, "Jeez, I'm ready for me holiday . but this year I'm
> going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain - and
> Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got
> pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant."
> Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?"
> Paddy replies, "Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!"
> ********************
> Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ...
> Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
> ********************
> Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a
> police station.
> Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
> Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
> ********************
> Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
> shampoo?"
> Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
> ********************
>
> __________________________________________________ ____________________
> ################################################## #####################
for those who are sick of hearing the same missing-the-point, wingeing excuses........



>
>
> The best line I've heard lately was from a shop foreman at the old
> Republic Steel plant in Cleveland when this young black kid was being
> laid off.
>
> The black kid said to the shop foreman: "You're firing me because I'm black!"
>
> The boss said, "No, we hired you because you were black.
>
> We're firing you because you are ******** useless!"
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will
> put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Man Utd.
>
>
> ***
>
>
>
> Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets
> for black orphans.
>
> I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.
>
> ***
>
>
>
> The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and
> low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
>
> ***
>
> Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
> spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
> ***
>
> Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
> Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in
> other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
> ***
>
> Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for
> half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does
> everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.
> ***
>
> My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of arsehole hair. The
> bloody thing keeps blowing off.
> ***
>
> Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11%
> said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
> ***
>
>
>
> On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
> Apparently putting "Hundreds of f***** Africans, Pakis, Somalians,
> single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking
> people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!
>
> ***
>
>
>
> Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
> wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
>
> ***
>
>
>
> 100 people from Manchester were asked today if they thought Britain
> should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
>
> ***
>
>
>
> Black bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning
> from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just
> nobbled the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you
> were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."
>
> ***
>
>
>
> I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of bollocks.
> Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a
> nuclear power station?
>
>
> ***
>
> Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2
> bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those
> are our opening times you daft twat.
> ***
>
> Today in an opinion poll I was asked 'If you could eliminate a race
> from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?' Naturally I said 'Niggers
> and guptas.' Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres.
> ***
>
> Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from
> a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
> ***
>
> Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the
> washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the
> 12 pegs back.
>
> ***
> Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I
> said "Wave" they legged it!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Adults only
NUDE SANTA -----




Scroll down to see the nude Santa

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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !

Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Adults only
NUDE SANTA -----

So long as there is no nude PP fairy... because that wouldn't be a joke!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Put your brain to work and think these out.....mine didn't work too well



Lateral Thinking

Check It Out....
Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.
Think like a wizard...




1. man
board










Ans. man overboard


Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.



2. stand
i














Ans. I understand



OK.... Got the drift?




Let's try a few now and see how you fare?



3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/












Ans. reading between the lines
4. r
road
a
d


Ans. cross road


Not having a good day now, are you?
Redeem yourself.




5. cycle
cycle
cycle
Ans. tricycle


Easy to figure out, ha!






6. 0
M.D.
Ph.D.









Ans. two degrees below zero
C'mon give it a little thought !!!


7. knee
light
















Ans. neon light
(knee - on - light)


I'm sure you'll have no problem getting this one.



8. ground
feet feet feet feet feet feet









Ans. six feet underground

Good One, try this!!





9. he's X himself












Ans. he's by himself


Here's an easy one!!


10. ecnalg




Ans. backward glance

Not even close ?!!?


11. death ..... life










Ans. life after death


Okay last chance ..................


12. THINK



Ans. think big !!!


And the last one.....


13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb...






Ans. long time no 'C'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

>>> Hysterical is an understatement....my teeth are still clenched
>>> xxxxxxxx
>
>>> While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a
>>> lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician,
>>> say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating
>>> circumstances."
>>>
>>> The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear
>>> those extenuating circumstances." I did too so, I listened as the
>>> lady told her story.
>>>
>>> "Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I
>>> was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to
>>> ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm
>>> Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here,
>>> strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
>>>
>>> I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
>>> Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
>>>
>>> With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
>>> left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
>>> a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.
>>>
>>> I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the
>>> remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body
>>> was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast
>>> wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard
>>> and felt a zap!
>>>
>>> Complete darkness, the power was off!
>>>
>>> Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."
>>> Then she headed for the door.
>>>
>>> "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I
>>> shouted.
>>>
>>> Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide
>>> open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
>>>
>>> Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how
>>> Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found
>>> me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and
>>> the other part smashed between glass!
>>>
>>> After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba
>>> (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
>>> was off.
>>>
>>> Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
>>> possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
>>>
>>> "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
>>> I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
>>>
>>> Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
>>> Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo
>>> sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And
>>> silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
>>>
>>> And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
>>> clamps...."
>>>
>>> The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.


The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Golf or Sex





Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it. We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune. I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas. It's a great morning for either sex or golf ' and she said ... "Take a sweater."

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news
crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"

Bob took the money.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.



She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,


but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.



Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.



For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.



Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night





One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.




Two o'clock and no hired hand.





Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him




She quietly called him over to her.



"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said



Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."



He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings."



He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.



"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[kav Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close kav]

forgive me if this has appeared before

whats the Northern Territory's indigenous populations most feared insect ?

the Flagondry .

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

Where did “piss poor” come from ?

Interesting History.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...

if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...

They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature

Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,

Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals

(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings

Could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery

In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,

It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.

Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables

And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers

In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests

And would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes,

so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.

Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,

and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.

The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.

Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around

and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,

“saved by the bell” or was "considered a dead ringer”.

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

So get out there and educate someone! ~~~

Share these facts with a friend.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

'What the heck happened?'

We'll be friends until we are old and senile.

Then we'll be new friends.

Smile, it gives your face something to do!