[OT] Jokes page

[Matty80 Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Matty80]

MLC...I object to your post.
Surely this is a breach of the rules - language and politically incorrect

I understand the concern in regard to language on the forum, but I would not consider MLCs post to be excessive or abusive. Our use of language on the forum is moderated usually somewhere upto a PG rating however. Not a C or K rating. We are afterall a grownup forum.

While we maintain a standard, it would be up to us, the parents, to ensure that our children are not subjected to information they are not ready for. In the same way we do not let them watch certain TV shows.

But let's be fair, exactly how many jokes in this thread are politically correct?

And how many times have we all used a '!' instead of an 'i' to avoid the language filter.

[VKPrado Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close VKPrado]

Can we now get this thread back to what it is all about? That is jokes. I get a good laugh out of most of them and this banter about is it right or not just takes away from a very good thread.

So my contribution which is from my 5yo.

question- What has a bottom at the top?



Answer- Your legs!

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

I strongly object to all the Irish jokes that people put on here.

OK, so most of them are mine but now that we are in a being offended mood...

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

OK, let's get back on track............



WALNUTS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old WALNUT tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys, Jerry and Stuey filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said Jerry. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy, Max, came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, Max heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met old man Bill Collins, with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said Max almost out of breath, "....you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

Old Bill said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When Max insisted though, Bill hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. Old Bill and Max gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That’s all...now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him .

[REV Find all posts View Profile Close REV]

Dear Jon
I do apologise. I should have posted " finally a dishonest low life that now risks his exhorbitant political pension for life at the expense of honest taxpayers has proven he can do what most other lying low life labor party members cannot. He has shown he can not only organise a sexual encounter in a brothel, but defraud those he represents at the same time. His actions perhaps only bettered by that lower-life current Prime Minister that has screwed every aspect of OUR great country.

There, my apology is sincere and my political statements now factual and correct. Again, I unreservedly apologise for using the word "root" in a crass manner.

Edit: I think "screwed" has been used in an acceptable manner after hearing enough people use it in actual day to day conversations.

Hey MLC,

Are you sure your not a politician cause you sure do write like a politician speaks

[Richoson Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Richoson]

MLC

As a previous leader of the
4WDriving First Party you are exonerated on any inference of being politically incorrect, as a point of reference you may now be elevated to a position of exhausted reverence, this would have to be ratified by the Caucus but as we have a policy of doing nothing then this will have to be left in abeyance until further notice.

How I'd that for a political answer?

Richo,


Sent from Richos iPhone using Tapatalk

[iantz Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close iantz]

I have stated my opinion, so let's get back on track............



WALNUTS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old WALNUT tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys, Jerry and Stuey filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said Jerry. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy, Max, came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, Max heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met old man Bill Collins, with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said Max almost out of breath, "....you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

Old Bill said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When Max insisted though, Bill hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. Old Bill and Max gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That’s all...now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him .

I object to this post. It's factually incorrect. No one believes in Satan OR the Lord. This incorrect info must be in breach of the forum rules.

On another note: didn't you listen to Thompson's speech MLC? He said he was set up. of course he wouldn't spend a poor man's union fees on hookers. I don't know why you don't believe him. Shame on you...

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

6 reasons not to mess with children

(1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

(2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

(3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

(4) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

(5) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know would run to my face and make it red.'

Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

(6) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Just a thought for all the women out there........

"MEN"tal illness
"MEN"strual cramps
"MEN"tal breakdown
"MEN"opause ............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with "MEN"?......... And When they have real trouble it's "HIS"terectomy! !!!

LMAO

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah,

who was now living in the United States , and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work." "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So,forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The GOVERNMENT beat me to it."

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:
This equation should be taught in all math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions. If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

It is obvious that
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

While
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

Finally, and most effectively
A-S-S**K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARD WORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and ATTITUDE will get you there, it's the BULLS-H-I-T and*ASS KISSING that will put you over the top!

Lesson 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull s-h-i-t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s-h-i-ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s-h-i-t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep s-h-i-t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

Lesson 4:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 5:
We, the unwilling,led by the unknowing,are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I apologise in advance for this one, as I am sure it will offend the blokes.........




.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.. on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....




"Clean my house."

[cafiem Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close cafiem]

A penguin notices that his car is leaking oil onto the driveway so decides to take it to the mechanic.
The mechanic tells him that he is a bit busy at the moment but if he can leave the car for an hour or so he'll have a look at it.
The penguin decides to go for a walk down to the shops while he's waiting. On his way back he gets a large ice cream, the mister whippy type of ice cream. He eats it all the way back but because it is a hot day a lot of it ends up all over his cheeks and down his front.
When he gets back to the workshop the mechanic sees him and says " Looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin wipes his mouth and says " No it's just ice cream."

.........................................

For those who are offended it appears that the mechanic has diagnosed the oil leak as being a leaky oil seal that has blown oil out from where it should be.
The comment from the mechanic made the pengiun self concious about his poor diet habbits and for some reason decides to tell the mechanic of his poor food choices to somehow atone for the decision to binge eat through boredom.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A humpback says to his girlfriend, “There’s that Jap whaler that took my brother last week, lets go and sink them.”

The girlfriend wants to know how they’re going to do that.

The boyfriend says, “We’ll take deep breaths and dive under them and circle around, blow out all the air and the bubbles will upset the buoyancy of the ship.”

So they do that and the ship sinks.

Boyfriend then says, “Look at them Japs floundering in the water. Let’s eat them all up.”

The girlfriend replies, “ Hang on a minute. I didn’t mind the blow job but no way am I swallowing the seamen.”

----------------------------------------------------------

For those who are offended it appears that…...oh, never mind.