[OT] Jokes page

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A great Philosophy to live by!

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions - and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Visit with your Aunts. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented?

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

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2 conservationists, husband & wife, get to airport with a python & a skunk.

They see loads of security so husband say's "i'll put python down my trousers, you put skunk in your draws."

She goes "What about the smell?"

He said, "well if it dies, it dies."

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Every day, a male employee walksup very close to a female co-worker at the coffeemachine.
He stops, inhales quite deeplyand saysthat her hairsmellsnice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issueto asupervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassmentgrievanceagainst theguy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks,
"What's threatening about aco-worker tellingyou your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank.Themidget."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Cockroach Theory for Self-development Response Vs Reaction

At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach.

Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.

The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but ...it landed on another lady in the group.

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue.

In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.

The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt.

When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behavior?

If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed?

He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies.

I realized that, it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it's my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.

It's not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.

More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

Lessons learnt from the story:
I understood, I should not react in life.
I should always respond.
The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded.

Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of, just and right to save a situation from going out of hand, to avoid cracks in relationship, to avoid taking decisions in anger, anxiety, stress or hurry.

Have a nice day!

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Wife's Affair

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Bulls tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'


Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

The Cockroach Theory for Self-development Response Vs Reaction

At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach.

Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.

The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but ...it landed on another lady in the group.

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue.

In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.

The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt.

When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behavior?

If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed?

He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies.

I realized that, it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it's my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.

It's not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.

More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

Lessons learnt from the story:
I understood, I should not react in life.
I should always respond.
The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded.

Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of, just and right to save a situation from going out of hand, to avoid cracks in relationship, to avoid taking decisions in anger, anxiety, stress or hurry.

Have a nice day!

Great lesson Jon! I must move from being the lady to being the waiter.

(hope the pays better :P )

mlc

[Melbo Member Find all posts View Profile Close Melbo]

The Cockroach Theory for Self-development Response Vs Reaction

More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

Lessons learnt from the story:
I understood, I should not react in life.
I should always respond.

Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of, just and right to save a situation from going out of hand, to avoid cracks in relationship, to avoid taking decisions in anger, anxiety, stress or hurry.

Have a nice day!

Hi Jon,
Awesome. Very well said.
Cheers,
Melbo

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Paddy and his girlfriend had just got engaged and were driving to the central coast for the weekend. As he was driving Paddy slipped his hand up her skirt.
"You know Paddy, now we are engaged you can go a bit further if you want" she said,
"Fooking great" said Paddy "let's go to Port Macquarie".


Paddy and Mick were sat in a car outside a bank,
"Right then Mick" said Paddy "You put your balaclava on, run inside screaming "put all the money in the fooking bag or i shoot", slide the bag under the hatch, if they argue shoot one of the customers. I'll stay here taking all the risks".
"Fook me Paddy" said Mick "How are you taking all the risks?"
"This car is not even registered Mick".


Paddy phones an ambulance because a car has hit his mate.

Paddy: 'I need an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute...

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. What is your location?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Great gift for that special woman in your life? Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
5'’ long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . %^&*, #$%^, !*#$ . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.... WHAT THE!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I sh!t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Just a few one liners that I feel sure you will get a laugh out of


• The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
• A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...
• I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
• My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
• I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
• I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
• I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
• My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
• Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
• Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
• I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
• I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
• A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
• I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
• The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
• The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
• When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing
• Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
• Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
• A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked
• Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."


~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

************************************************** *******

nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Two menwere sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at theother and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you'refrom Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street inthe old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And towhat school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what yeardid you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I canhardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.. Can youbelieve it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It'sgoing to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano
it was time for the Star of the Show-
Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket
A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"
said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then,
suddenly,
the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"


"SHIT" said Claude.


It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre

and Claude was never invited to entertain again!

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me... I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

Bob and Ralph were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Bob Pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches,he asked Ralph for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ralph replied with an Irish Accent, and then reaching into his tackle Box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob, taking The huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Ralph, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Bob asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle Box,' says Ralph.
'Could I see him?'
Ralph opens his tackle box and Sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Bob says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of Your master.
Will you grant me One wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Bob asks the Genie for a Million bucks.
The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million Bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of A million ducks..... Flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Ralph, 'What the hell? I asked for a million Bucks, not a million ducks!'


Ralph answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie Is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'