[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip sh*t"

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

"The Brothel"
The madam opened the brothel door in Milingavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy"

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked , 'Do you have Viagra?'

'Yes , ' he answered.

She asked , 'Does it work?'

'Yes , ' he answered.

'Can you get it over the counter?' she asked.

'I can if I take two , ' he answered.

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

The Parking Officer's Funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done"

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

The Best Pubs Are Irish

"As good as this bar is,"said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow , there's a wee place calledMcTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy thefifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said theEnglishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy youyour third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin',"said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favoritepub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, thenanother, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks,they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman weresuspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen toyou,Paddy ?"
"Not memeself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen tome sister quite a few times."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

IDIOT SIGHTING 1:


I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave
the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a
dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to
repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're
sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in
change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Shepperton Vic.


IDIOT SIGHTING 2:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that
we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest
one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower..
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Bankstown NSW.


IDIOT SIGHTING 3:

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council
to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out
here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Bauple Qld


IDIOT SIGHTING 4:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
>From Castle Hill, Sydney .......


IDIOT SIGHTING 5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would
I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened at Melbourne Airport


IDIOT SIGHTING 6:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to
cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged'
co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is
red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'

She is a government employee in the Adelaide P.O. SA


IDIOT SIGHTING 7:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up
our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Holden Dealership Townsville Qld

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

I don't know why but I was just sacked from my jobwith Lifeline.

They just wouldn’t talk to me about it.

Here’s what happened .......




A bloke phoned and said, "I'm Abdul Mohammed, and I’m really going to kill
myself. I’m lying on the railway track now waiting for the trainto come"!


All I said was .....






"Remain calm and stay on the line" !

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.



Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a
villa on the golf course, we were living at in Sarasota,heard the noise and called out,

“Are you okay, what's your name?"


"It’s Jack , and I’m OK thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while,
and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,”but I don't
think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife
won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be
really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't
know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a camel!"

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

There are three important things to remember about accountants.

The first is there are those ones that can count

Te second is there are those that cannot.


What?


Mlc

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Can't wait for a Prime Minister like this for Australia !

This is well said, at last a prime minister with guts. The rest of the world could take a lesson from him.

Hats off to Monsieur Fillon!!!

Prime Minister of France
For once, a French politician has the courage to say out loud what the French think and sometimes cry out about.
Interesting approach?Learning to live in peace and harmony ?
Muslims who want to live under the law of the Islamic Sharia have recently
been told to leave France in order to guard against possible terrorist attacks,
the government has targeted radicals.
Apparently, the Prime Minister, Francois Fillon has angered
some French Muslims in stating:
THOSE IMMIGRANTS, WHO ARE NOT FRENCH MUST ADAPT.
Take it or leave it, I,am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are
offending some individual or their culture.
Our culture has developed with struggles and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
Our official language is French, not Spanish, or Lebanese, or Arabic,
or Chinese, or Japanese, or any other language.
Therefore, if you want to be part of our society, learn the language!
Most French people believe in God. This is not some Christian obligation,
influence by the rightists or political pressure, but it is a fact, because men
and women founded this nation on Christian principles, and this is clearly documented.
It is then appropriate to display this on the walls of our schools? ?
if God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world
as your home, because
God is part of our culture.
We will accept your beliefs without question.
All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in peaceful harmony with us.
This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, AND OUR LIFESTYLE.
And we offer you the opportunity to enjoy all this.
But if you're tired of our flag, our commitment, our Christian beliefs, or our lifestyle,
I strongly encourage you to take advantage of another great French freedom,
THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.
If you are not happy here then LEAVE.
We did not force you to come here.
You asked to be here.
So accept the country YOU chose.

(Perhaps if we circulate this email to the world's citizens
we may find a way to stand up and spread the same truths)

Well said Mr. Fillon!

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

There are 10 types of people in this world

Those that understand Binary

And those that don't.

Cheers Andrew

[wastegate Member Find all posts View Profile Close wastegate]

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[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

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That's darn right rude! I like it

[JoshF Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoshF]

Can't wait for a Prime Minister like this for Australia !

I think you left off the punch line I didn't get it?