[OT] Jokes page

[jss Moderated member Find all posts View Profile Close jss]

GTX that's pure gold!!

Cheers
James

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Following on from reports that Tesco's in UK are using horse meat in their products ....

Here they come. Didn't take too long

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had a £5 each way !

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted!

had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night.... I still have a bit between my teeth

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or Neigh?

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...
AND THEY'RE OFF"

I'm so hungry, I could eat a Tesco burger....."

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'Why the long face?' The cow replies 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO!

Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots

To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian

How awful; to think you were getting a pony steak...and it turned out to be donkey!

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Very smart man Mr Williams.

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Advanced Notice

Clean up Australia Day - Date Change

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

OLDIE BUT GOODY.

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Forget Newton and Galileo... Here are the REAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A while ago a new supermarket opened
in Topeka, Kansas. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear
cows mooing.....
and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.



In the meat department there is the aroma
of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.



When you approach the egg case, you
hear hens clucking and cackling.....
and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


And the bakery features the tantalizing smell of fresh

baked bread and cookies.



I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[Razorback81 Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Razorback81]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

5 Riddles...
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN...
THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM.
RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING.
IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN
AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS ….


1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

- / -

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


- / -


3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?


- / -


4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?


- / -


5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!




THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:








Answers:



1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?



2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).


3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.



4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!



5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.





I’ll be getting Alzheimer’s any time now.
How did you do?

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Never underestimate young children
I love what kids come up with...they know so much they are not given credit for
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced...
"The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out...
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

• Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
• I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
• Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
• My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
• Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
• I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
• Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
• A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
• ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
• Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
• In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
• Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth .
• A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
• Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
• An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband atext..............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. Love you."

His text response......"In the toilet having a crap, please advise."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Free Sex



A gas station owner near Camden, Alabama was trying to increase his sales.So he put up a sign that read,"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,"You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but NO free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex.".
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, LeRoy. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."

[Hutch Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Hutch]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband atext..............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. Love you."

His text response......"In the toilet having a crap, please advise."

That is "Gold"