[OT] Jokes page

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hellthey're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOTgetting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling mybrother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Advice for women

When a man says he will fix something then he will do it. There is absolutely no need to remind him every six months

Cheers Andrew

Been getting some flack over the kitchen AJ?

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.
She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed, "she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."



An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."



A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whisky.
One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies,
"My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"I thought I was your best friend!" says the other man.
The man turns to his friend, looks at him throuh bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,
"Not anymore! ... He is!"

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress pretends not to notice and asks them for their orders.


The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the
ostrich,
'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40
please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A

hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the

waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time ?'


'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.


My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.'


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers,

'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

Mayan Calendar Joke


Mayan guy: "Wanna get a beer?"

Other Mayan Guy: "I'm working on this calendar, but
I guess if I don't finish, it won't be the end of the world."

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

10 Rules for Men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.

Sincerely,
Tiger Woods

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a number of times of this happening, the teacher became increasingly worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive shineragain.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
He turns to explain: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?... and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving {you know} at the same time. Mom was breathing heavy and kicking her legs all over the place while squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"... Then my father asks my mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so i said 'Wait for me...”

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Darwins Are Out!!!!
2012
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.


Here Is The Glorious Winner:


1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And Now, The Honorable Mentions:


2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.


3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]


7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!


In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family.... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.


*****Remember*****
They walk among us, they can reproduce.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Students taking English Literature at a local college were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic'
and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.




One student turned in the following report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic: cost - $29..99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

FIFTY SHADES OF ................

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,

you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied

your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you

drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,

only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making

it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........

F...ing mosquito!

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
“Really” she said. “Go on then, try”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. “Come on, what day was I born?”
“Yesterday,” I said.


Cheers Andrew

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table. I said to her, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said, “Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now.”



Cheers Andrew

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

Dude starts talking to a cute girl in the bar, and says to her" you remind me of my little toe." She says "why caues I'm small and cute"? He says, "no cause I'll probably bang you later on my coffee table when I'm drunk". Ba DA Boom...

Cheers Andrew

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Father O'Malley arose one fine spring morning, walked to the window of his bedroom to take in the beauty of the day and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the police.The conversation went like this:

This is Sgt. O' Flaherty and how might we be of help to you?"

Good day to yourself, Sergeant. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead on our front lawn. Would you be a good man now and send a couple of the lads around to take care of the matter?"

Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded:

"Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied:
"Indeed, indeed, Sergeant O'Flaherty, but we're also obliged to notify the next of kin!"

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

In case you are not clear about what's behind all the talk about The Fiscal Cliff , here is an explanation (which I received this morning) which helped me at least understand why it is called a cliff

The Figures

* U.S. Annual Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Annual Federal budget: $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt next year: $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000

Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:

* Annual family income: $21,700
* Money the family spent: $38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts so far: $38.50

Got It ??.......OK now,

Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:

Let's say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighbourhood and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

Now what do you think you should do ......

Raise the ceilings, or remove the s#*t?