[OT] Jokes page

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

Garfield on the Oil Crisis


 


A lot of Folks can't understand how we came

 to have an Oil shortage here in Australia ........


~~~


Well .... there's a very simple Answer.


~~~


Nobody bothered to check the Oil.


~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.....


~~~


The reason for that is purely Geographical.


~~~


Our OIL is located in


~~~


Bass Strait


~~~


East Queensland Shale Fields


~~~


Canning Basin


~~~


Perth Basin

and

North-West Continental Shelf


~~~







Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra ... !!!




Any Questions...??? 



NO..?? I didn't think so.....

[Geoffury Find all posts View Profile Close Geoffury]

To play a trick on a drunk mate.

Convince them that a good way to prevent having a hangover in the morning, is to chew a couple of Berocca tablets -yes the ones you should drop into a glass of water.

Sit back and have a laugh when they start foaming!

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be Kevin Rudd.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Thought I'd repeat this from another thread.

If you ever meet a famous proctologist and ask him/her for their autograph and they take a thermometer out of their pocket, it's pretty certain some @sshole has taken their pen.

[samo Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close samo]

whats the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral themometer? the taste. cheers samo

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

whats the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral themometer? the taste. cheers samo

A bit nutty Samo?

[samo Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close samo]

why dont witches wear underpants? so they can get a better hold on their broomstick. cheers samo

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Someone had to remind me, so

I'm reminding you, too.

Don't laugh....It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60
And heading towards 70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?

5.
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.

6...
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.

8.
You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9...
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.

10..
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits

as a challenge.
12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in
no matter who walks into the room.

13..
You sing along
with elevator music.

14..
Your eyes won't get
much worse.

15.
Your investment in
health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with
your friends because
they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells
is finally down to a
manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.

And

you notice these are all
in big print
for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone
you can remember
right now!

AND

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and a laxative
on the same night!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Three men were hiking through a forest ...



when they came upon a large raging, violent river.



Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:


“God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs ..



and he was able to swim across in about two hours,
having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:


“God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs ..



and he was able to row across in about an hour
after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:



“God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.”

Poof! HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!

She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream ...



and walked across the bridge.

Guys, if at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!

~~~

GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH
AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Getting Married

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.
Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "Yes"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry bloke
walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......

He sits at the counter and
notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of
chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
hungry bloke
bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I
do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and
says,

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches
over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with
delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in
the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
back into the bowl.

The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got
too".

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Bad post, will redo

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Apparently a man was hospitalized after presenting at the Emergency Department allegedly with 6 plastic horses up his butt. The news report later described his condition as stable.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Old Sailor



An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back'.