[OT] Jokes page

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Complete or Finished

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'




It pays to be careful around old people!!!

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

In case you are not clear about what's behind all the talk about The Fiscal Cliff , here is an explanation (which I received this morning) which helped me at least understand why it is called a cliff

The Figures

* U.S. Annual Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Annual Federal budget: $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt next year: $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000

Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:

* Annual family income: $21,700
* Money the family spent: $38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts so far: $38.50

Thats really interesting, a good way to think about things. Unfortunately the maths isn't quite right, the last figure should be $385 not $38.50.

On a similar not, have you ever thought about the difference between a Million and a Billion? It rolls of the tounge about the same when pollies speak about spending our hard earned and a billion doesn't that much more than a million does it.

Well think about it this way.

how long is 1 million seconds?

just over 11.5 days!

How long is a billion seconds?

A bit over 31.5 years!

Not really a joke (especially when its our cash the pollies are spending) but interesting non the less.

Cheers Andrew

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Gday AJ120

I couldn't agree more!

Reminds me of this one! .... Lol
http://www.pradopoint.com/showthread...l=1#post349873

Here is something that is even harder to get your head around!

Current day debt!! ..... As in "Trillion"!!!

Australia total debt! = $4,496,997,928,000 and climbing!!

America total debt! = $58,080,536,701,000 and climbing!!

UK total debt!! = $1,108,583,849,000 and climbing!!

And lets not forget that in about two months from now that America will be revising its tax's again and despite things seem to be ok for the moment EG: unemployment in America has dropped this is due to holiday season with people spending and extra staff for the busy season!

Swiss banks have been held accountable for all those tax dodging accounts which are now being tracked down as we speak

Storied Swiss bank to shut after US tax trial
http://www.aljazeera.com/news/europe...536274720.html

Swiss bank Wegelin to close after US tax evasion fine
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-20907359

What is the Fiscal Cliff?
http://bonds.about.com/od/Issues-in-...scal-Cliff.htm

What is the Debt Ceiling? A Simple Explanation of the Debate and Crisis
http://bonds.about.com/od/Issues-in-...And-Crisis.htm

Don't forget!!... When America sneezes the world catches a cold!

A tad political for joke section but really is a joke don't you think!... Lol

Now back to the less funny jokes

[AK7 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close AK7]

FIFTY SHEDS OF GREY


The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes. Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...


We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunnings.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.


“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”


“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”


I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.


“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”


“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.


“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

LMFAO at that one!!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The weathermen say the temperature is going to reach extremely high levels today,
and everyone should check on the elderly and senile.


Are you OK???











Well someone sent it to me!!!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO POLICE HARASSMENT

A North London police station received this question from a resident through the feedback section of its local Police website:
“I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?”
In response, the local sergeant posted this reply:

First of all, let me tell you this ... it’s not easy. In Stoke Newington and the rural Hackney area we average one cop for every 5005 people. Only about 60 per cent of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as “general patrols”) where we do most of our harassing.
The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per cent of general patrols are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 60000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a cop two-thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another third of a second to drink a Costa coffee AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to the challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass.
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. “My neighbour is beating his wife” is a code phrase used often. This means we’ll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is, “There’s a guy breaking into a house.” The harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or drivers with no licences and the like. It’s lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
LAWS: When we don’t have phone or cars, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called “statutes”. These include the Theft Act, Offences Against the Persons Act, Criminal Attempts Act and a whole bunch of others... They spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that’s not allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy.
It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to “harass” some people.
Next time you are in North London, give me the old “single finger wave”. That’s another one of those codes. It means, “You can harass me.” It’s one of our favorites.

[buster0z Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close buster0z]

i think this should go on the jokes page. Australia all out for 74.

Cheers,
Tim

[Rogerthatv2 Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Rogerthatv2]

i think this should go on the jokes page. Australia all out for 74.

Cheers,
Tim

Joke, yes! Tragic came to mind as well...

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

4/48 at the moment, a couple more quick wickets and a miracle might be on the cards.

maybe Mitchell can break a few more bones

Cheers Andrew

[buster0z Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close buster0z]

4/48 at the moment, a couple more quick wickets and a miracle might be on the cards.

maybe Mitchell can break a few more bones

Cheers Andrew

Mate, not as bad as 9-51

Cheers,
Tim

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

New Wine Before Bed

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not.....

California vintners in the
Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as


PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!
Forward this to all your "senior" friends
I just did.
Sorry, somebody thought I deserved this so I'm spreading the love!

[1coolbanana Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 1coolbanana]

Im getting worried now......
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next sh*t could spell disaster!

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:

'Aww so sowwy... excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'