[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to a
golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,
right into my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers you know. Then I thought,
'why not make the best of it'?

So, now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thingy through my fence I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it
comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK, good luck! Oh,
by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm.
I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this!

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.


He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,


but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.


His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.


The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:







Dear Vincent,







I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant


my tomato garden this year.


I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.


I know if you were here my troubles would be over.


I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.







Love, Papa







A few days later he received a letter from his son.







Dear Papa,







Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried . . .







Love, Vinnie







At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and


dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.


They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.






Dear Papa,







Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.


That's the best I could do under the circumstances.







Love you, Vinnie

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

A work mate has just found out and told me the scientific name for Viagra......





"Yourdickislimp"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS...

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[Guest Close Guest]

Subject: BEIJING ENGLISH-CHINESE HOTEL BROCHURE

Brochure circulated by a 5-Star Chinese Hotel...

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

COME, LET'S GO TO BEIJING!!

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

The Wedding
At the reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Sex
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong.
Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my fecking bike.

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.I said to him,
"You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Scam
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute,
"Do you know who the father is?"
"Are you kidding, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

[farmernz Member Find all posts View Profile Close farmernz]

a wee girl says 'mum can i take lilly (dog) for a walk?' no she is on heat mum replys with out thinking. the girl asks what does that mean?, the mum says go to the garage and ask your father. dad, mums says i cant take lilly for a walk cos she is on heat- what does that mean?. the father not wanting to explain the situation either grabs a cloth and dips it in petrol then wipes it around the dogs tail to hide the on heat smell, he says to the girl take lilly for a walk to the end of the street but no further, then come stright back, off the girl goes, 2 minites later she returns holding the lead and no dog. the dad says oh no what happened?, the wee girl replies' i think lilly has run out of petrol so another dog is pushing her home'.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were
surprised by

a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere.



She must have been protecting her cubs because she was
extremely aggressive.



If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would
not be here today !!!



Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took.



the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking
away at a brisk pace.



It's one of the best pistols in my collection!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

NEW FORD for 2013... NEW FORD for 2013... Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome, or just get a rental for a short time.

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Golf Poem


Any golfers out there might like this one. Interesting Stats at the end of the poem






In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry.

I Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises A Thing Called Par,

If I Can Hit It straight And Far..

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All..

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,

And Swear That I Will Give It Up..

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows .... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.



A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900
miles a year.


Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a Year.


That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the
gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid..

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....


'Your house'

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Dear Mum!

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.

Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed.

It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops.

All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.

Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great.

You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.

When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken.

He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.

He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.

Don't worry about anything.

We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

Rural Australia Computer Terminology -

· A little bit of Aussie culcha.

LOGON: Adding wood to make thebarbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A pub snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.