[OT] Jokes page

[Grandeman Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Grandeman]

Only someone from the Wild West could have come up with that one... :lol:

[MTpockets Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close MTpockets]

I thought the same thing GM :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

I was just worried about putting it in the "Jokes" section ....

... it reads like a factual report :lol: :lol: :lol:

Cheers
Wild West Chippy

[Grandeman Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Grandeman]

... it reads like a factual report :lol: :lol: :lol:

Crikeys Chippy,

Just excuse me, while I choke... :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol:

[mototrim Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close mototrim]

Top stuff Chippy :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Its all about balance ! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Cheers
Chippy

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Why do women wear panties?














Because it is an OH&S regulation that manholes must be covered when not in use.......

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Why do blondes wear panties ????



To keep their ankles warm. :lol:

[Grandeman Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Grandeman]

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A: Keep the tip... :shock: :shock: :shock:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her badge that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday. Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, and that it is okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back offie.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 for a holiday and he wants to use this as collateral. And she holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says ..."It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

[samo Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close samo]

little johnny is walkin down the beach with his dad, when he sees a used condom lying on the sand, he turns and says to his dad whats that? johnnys dad replies thats a biscuit johnny. Johnnys dad walks on further down the beach and johnny decides to check out the biscuit. 5 min later johnny says to his dad, gee dad i fell crook. johnnys dad says you didnt eat that biscuit did you johnny?. he replies no dad i only at the cream.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain

that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have

some fun at the Glasgowcops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didn ae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law,

Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,

I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't

give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shitter out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

:wink: :wink:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get her."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
'Not yet', said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk!

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half
way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says,

'You going to tell him, or should I?'