[OT] Jokes page

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

According to a news report, a certain government high school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine but, after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the cleaner would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done.

He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the cleaner.

He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the cleaner who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the cleaner to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


*There are teachers.... and then there are educators.*

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

When one of life's lesson bites back
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other? She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. ' Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said
angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds
and Jack's Mum wants to talk to you. '

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing
quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm going to
divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, 'You better
think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"

The wife replied "I did, they were in your tackle box!!!"

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A young ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening.
As he clocks out of his office at about 8 P.M. he sees the Admiral standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this thing?" the Admiral asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.
"Thanks," says the Admiral, "I just need one copy..."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. ; ; I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

*** **** ***

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"


THERE'S MORE...


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"


IT IS NOT OVER YET...


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.


"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Commonwealth Police Drug Department and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat,
and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat
number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle
seat and proceeded to poo all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, "What's going on?"

The Policeman nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An Irishman walked into a shop and asked 'Can I have some Irish
Sausages, please?' , walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German
Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a
Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?' 'Or, if I asked you
for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no.'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman
steps it up a gear.
'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was
French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:
'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I
asked for Irish sausages?

The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Bunnings'

[Shell Member Find all posts View Profile Close Shell]

A Queensland drover was grazing his herd on the long acre on a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand new Range Rover emerged from the dust.



The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, D&G sunglasses and Hermes silk tie, leans out the window and asks the drover “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”



The drover looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks as his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers “OK. Why not?”



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Nokia cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GI satellite navigation system to get an exact fix of his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high resolution photo.



The young man the opens the digital photo in Abobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.



Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBOD connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes receives a response.



Finally he prints out a full colour, 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized HP Laserjet printer and finally turns to the drover and says “You have exactly 1586 cows and calves.”



“That’s right. Well, I spose you can take one of my calves,” says the drover.



He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his 4 wheel drive.



Then the drover says to the young yuppie “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”



The yuppie thinks about it for a second and says “OK. Why not?”



“You’re a Parliamentarian from Canberra,” says the drover.



“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”



“No guessing required,” answered the drover. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don’t know a thing about cows. Now give me back my bloody dog!”

[Shell Member Find all posts View Profile Close Shell]

The Helpful Eye Witness.........

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a
gun ... and robs the bank!...


But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses ... he turns around and asks
the next customer in line:


'Did you see me Rob this Bank?'

The customer replies ...'Well, yes!'

The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and
BANG!!!... shoots him in the head and kills him!!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,

'DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK?'


The man calmly responds, ' No ... But my wife did!'

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

These are actual quotes taken from some Australian Government Departments' employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The head greenie tree hugging lady activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters. The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for an hour before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife Service, Rural Fire Service, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area.......
I am sorry but they turned me down."

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Some really thought provoking quotations ......

1. " See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

2. "Instead of getting married again, I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
Rod Stewart

3. " According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

4. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

5. "Women complain about premenstral syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."
Roseanne

6. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

7. " My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

8. "My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Co-founder of Apple Computers)

9. "Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

10. "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns

11. "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances of a date for Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

12. "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

13. "You know THAT LOOK women get when they want sex ? Me neither."
Steve Martin

14. "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy

15. "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip a man's genitals out through his wallet."
Robin Williams