[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I came up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Paddy said to the missus, 'Mary, have we got any Vaseline?'

She said, 'Yes Paddy, what do you want it for?'

Paddy said, 'I was just thinking, we can use it when we're making love.
Sure it will make it much more enjoyable.'

She said, 'Bejaysus, Paddy, you're not putting that stuff near me.'

Paddy said, 'Ach no Mary. You put it on the door handle so the kids can't get in.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Patrick was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland.
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.
They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt, beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' said.........................................
Wait for it!
Wait for it!
Wait for it!


OYSTERS KILPATRICK!!!!

'Please don't laugh, it only encourages them'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I Forgot My Glasses"


Yesterday, my sister again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 84 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

I told her, "I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school... I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow)..

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 8.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 PM, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 am. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or almost anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old lemonade bottle.
In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea..
She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom

1. Sweet cigarettes, Fags
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.
(There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....I just did!

(PS. I used a large type face so you could read it easily)

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT…

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

There are two really great lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are; and,

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Irish Road Accident

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Old Cemeteries
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880’s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Peas shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went.

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

OMG !! I have finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain:
On the left side, there is nothing right,
and on the right side, there is nothing left.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,
two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain
around his neck; walked into the
local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like
taking advantage of the system, getting
something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your
timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have
to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and
he will supply all of your clothes."


"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
But you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're
bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

…quips of trivia...


In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was
allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.....

Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

------------

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. ..
and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

------------

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time
TV was
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

------------


Coca-Cola was originally green.

------------


It is impossible to lick your elbow.

------------


The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of
eleven:
£ 10,120.00

------------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter,

Tom Sawyer.

------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great
king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both
front legs
in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died
because
of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died
of natural causes

------------


Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go
until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

------------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers and
laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase... 'Goodnight, sleep tight'

------------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago
that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey
beer and
because their calendar was lunar based, this period was
called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

------------


In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the
bartender would
yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.
It's where
we get the phrase: 'mind your Ps and Qs'

------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed
a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your
whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.

------------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick
their elbow!

------------

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it
or not,
you can read it.


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht
the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm.
This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?


------------


YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2013 when..


1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3 You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to
you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and
family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile
phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the
bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you
didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a
cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to
forward
this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this
list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a 9 on this list.


~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~


NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself,
go on and forward this to your friends.
You know you want to!

And stop trying to lick your elbow!

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

Einsteins Theory of Relativity

I just found out the true meaning of Einstein's theory of relativity!

Apparently Enjoyment=morning coffee x 2 (E=mc squared) - that's where he originally came up with the concept.

Cheers Andrew

[REV Find all posts View Profile Close REV]

I just found out the true meaning of Einstein's theory of relativity!

Apparently Enjoyment=morning coffee x 2 (E=mc squared) - that's where he originally came up with the concept.

Cheers Andrew

What was that about mlc squared????

[REV Find all posts View Profile Close REV]

That's quite a sobering thought isn't it???????????