[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I went to the Patent office to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "a folding bottle".

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have."

"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said, "what do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.
Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”. “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don 't forget to take them”.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”'
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”
He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”
She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers ....
“I kick the bucket out from under him”!!!!!!!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After marriage, husband and wife

become two sides of a coin;

they just can't face each other,

but still they stay together..


Sacha Guitry

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By all means marry.

If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.

If you get a bad one,

you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The great question...

which I have not been able to answer... is,

What does a woman want?

Dumas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had some words with my wife

and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.

We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.

A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


Anonymous

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'There's a way of transferring funds

that is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me

and the second one didn't.'


James Holt McGavray

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Patrick Murray

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The most effective way

to remember your wife's birthday

is to forget it once....

Nash

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

See answer below







Get your drunk self off the merry-go-round.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy , figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

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You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm..
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun...
He told her to go home, blow into the tail pipe really hard & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe..
Nothing happened..
So she blew a little harder & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

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A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......'Two popsicles & a cup of coffee.'

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Blondes, they Are just The Best ! ! !

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Some advice for my fellow members

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

The end of final period of the school day had come and all the children were making their way home, some were getting picked up by their parents and others like little Johnny were walking home.

Half way home a vehicle comes up along side him, the driver calls to him through the open passenger side window " hop in son, I'll give you a lift ".

Little Johnny started walking faster and so the vehicle and it's occupant followed him and again drew along side of him, this time the driver called out " Come on son, hop in , I've got a great big bag of boiled lollies for you". Little Johnny started walking even faster, the vehicle again followed him and again drew alongside of him and openned the passenger side door and called out " Please hop in son, don't be like that ! I shout you tickets to a movie and I give you lots and lots of sweets and all the cans of drink that you want !"

Little Johnny turned and faced the car and said " Dad , you bought the FU@#ING Nissan , you live with it !"

Cheers Andrew

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole our tent."

Cheers Andrew

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned..'The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.

The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was completely drunk.

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.''Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?

The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

The Irish Ghost



John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door…. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and….wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other….

‘Look Paddy…there’s that freakin’ idiot who got in the car while we were pushin’ it.’

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Las Vegas Churches Accept Gambling Chips?


THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.


NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.



SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.


THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.











THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.






YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? --
GOTCHA! Now it's your turn to tag someone else!

Have a great day !!!

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Priest's Retirement Dinner A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs,and given VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and started his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

ONE- UPMANSHIP AT IT’S BEST!
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune. I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince. I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all waited for the Jew to speak.

The Jew stirred his coffee, placed the spoon neatly on the table, took a sip of his coffee, looked at them and casually said: "I'm not selling!!"