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Jon · 21-01-2008, 06:01 PM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

Jon · 21-01-2008, 06:03 PM

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Jon · 21-01-2008, 06:06 PM

ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,

and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN

PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS, GERMS

spara · 24-01-2008, 11:38 PM

A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her and, calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story...!!!! ?

Jon · 25-01-2008, 08:46 AM

DIARY OF A MOUNT ISA SUMMER

For anybody ever thinking of moving to Aussie to live.
.
August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa, Queensland!!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm
balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the
veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
.
September 13th
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home,
drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
.
September 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of
palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get
used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
.
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
.
October 20th
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen
up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather
upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes
and cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
.
October 25th
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell.
The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged
$200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
.
October 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000
House and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
.
November 4th
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity
makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman!
I hate this stupid place!!
.
November 8th
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going
to throttle him. F* ! By the time I get to work the
car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin wet, and I
smell like baked cat!!
.
November 9th
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost
2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my
a*se. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a*se, and baked cat.
.
November 10th
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and
sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything
for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next
week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing
will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into
the pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.
.
November 14th
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 44 today. Now the air-conditioner's
gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you
today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my
arse out of jail for assulting the stupid f*. F* Mount Isa! What kind
of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
.
December 1st
WHAT????? This is the first day of summer???? You are
kiddin!!

Chuck · 25-01-2008, 11:37 PM

Read the same story only it was Karratha. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

spara · 27-01-2008, 08:48 PM

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent
for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled
back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer
in, to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician..

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba
with them two assholes. "

spara · 27-01-2008, 08:50 PM

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Japan · 28-01-2008, 06:06 AM

NATAL CURRY CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in Pietermaritzburg.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3(Frank) -- Holy sh.t, what the he.l is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1-- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1-- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2-- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3-- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CURRY # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1-- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CURRY # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2-- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CURRY # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh.t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CURRY # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1-- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CURRY # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1-- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2-- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.

Jon · 28-01-2008, 12:46 PM

The Flight Crew

The airliner pushed back from the gate; the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendant came by with the drink cart, he said

"Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant,
"We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."

"It's The Box Office."

Jon · 31-01-2008, 07:31 PM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

spara · 31-01-2008, 09:03 PM

A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

spara · 01-02-2008, 09:14 PM

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for
my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, ride motorcycles, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?

Chippy · 02-02-2008, 06:16 PM

New Seat Belt LAW

The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below.......

This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.

THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!

I KNOW....YOU SMILED

I KNOW....YOU SMILED AGAIN...

Cheers
Chippy

spara · 03-02-2008, 06:54 AM

Who Wants To be A Millionaire ???

My wife and I were watching

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

While we were in bed.

I turned to her and said.....

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No!" she answered.

I then said....

"Is that your final answer?''

''Yes!'' she replied.

Then I said,
''I'd like to phone a friend.''

That's the last thing I remember.

Darn woman,

She has absolutely NO

Sense of humor!

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