[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living
in Australia, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked
and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a
few good humans.'

He gave Noah the plans, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the Unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping
in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared , 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I
needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that
I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark
in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go
to the Shire Council for a decision.

Then ERGON demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of
moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting
local trees because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will
upset the balance of the local ecological system.

I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all
from extinction - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA prosecuted me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was
cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion
of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea
would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me
committed.

Then the DPI ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged
and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Fair Trading group
on how many 'Stolen generation' persons I'm supposed to hire for
my building crew.

The State Government has insisted that I provide them with a list
of the people who want to work so that they can check that they
are not from the non designated group.

UNIONS say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only
Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, ATO seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me
to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going
to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.

'The Australian Government have already done it.'

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

first time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces

to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like

to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to

get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his

first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex. At the register, the chemist asks

the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or

family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner

table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.


A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in

prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still

no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes

with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'And I had no idea your father was a chemist.'

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father.
I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )





The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....



Please scroll down



Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

Tom Jones, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking home from their local one night, when they came across Kylie Minogue bent over and with her head stuck between the rails of a bridge after a roller blading accident.
Seizing the opportunity Tom said "quick, let's have our way with her while she's stuck"
Tom went first and when finished, Robbie dropped his pants and stepped up.
When he had finished he turned to Sir Elton and said" here you go Elton, it's your turn now", to which Elton started to cry.
"What's up?" asked Robbie
"My heads too big to fit between the rails" said Elton!!

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

well

The old man placed
an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the o ld woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered .................................



'THE TEETH!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A college professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first graders, by using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

" Orange ........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavoured lifesaver.

After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out, and yelled, "Oh My God! Spit them out everyone. They're assholes!"

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'


Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'


Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

[Phormatt Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Phormatt]

Short joke

The shortest sentence known
I am.
The longest
I do.

Matt

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first Date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer as well.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The Washcloth

There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven' t we?' I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

This test is based on how cool you were in High School, what crowd you ran with, etc....it's pretty accurate. Click on the link below.

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/genera.../cool_test.htm

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

This is a story about a couple who have been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly when he woke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and would make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out.

Then one Christmas Day she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzards, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, with tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip and asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean ?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But thankfully, with half a jar of vaseline and two fingers, I was able to get them all back in."

[Chuck Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chuck]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'Arr what do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate, 'Arrr well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender says, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate says, 'Arr I was in another fight. When I boarded the other ship me hand was cut off in a sword fight.
I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'


Bartender says, 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate says, 'Arrr ah, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit right in me eye.'
'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird shit.'?





Pirate says, 'Arrr well no, it was my first day with the hook.

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

Jesus is watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his

flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he

picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,

disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus

is watching you.'



He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his

flashlight off, and froze.



When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his

head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out

so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he

heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'



Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,

looking for the source of the voice.



Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight

beam came to rest on a parrot.



Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.



'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm

just trying to warn you.'



The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world

are you?'



'Moses,' replied the bird.



'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people

would name a bird Moses?'



'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'