[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Auckland and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the man behind the desk.

The job Centre assistant sorts through his files and replies, "Oh, yes, here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."

"You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"There's an annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Invercargill."


"Oh, why, is that where the job's at ?" he asks.


"No," replied the assistant, "that's where the end of the queue is.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

This is your Captain ...........

A jumbo jet is making its final approach toTampa Airport. The pilot
turns on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our
final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us
today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying
to the Pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?'

'Well,' says the Skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take
a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge
tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to
my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night
long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and
immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure
out who this new Stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to
turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old
lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.
He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

I Found It


I found it...

And you thought there was no such place, huh????




You will all be so pleased to receive this....... How many times have we been "up there without one!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Pics removed. Sounds like they hit a funny bone.

Here's a quick joke instead ...


Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"




Cheers
Chippy

[Chuck Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chuck]

Fairy Tale:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who, surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or bitch........


But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.

The End

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Black Testicles?



A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,

surgical procedure.



A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.



Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."



He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.



Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"



The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...



A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply
all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's
and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located
above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the Salary is
$200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, " Yeah, Well . . You started it."

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Think before you speak...


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly .
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No" ..
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Cheers
Chippy

[Grandeman Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Grandeman]

Real Comments Made on Live TV

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Well, if you insist on rubbing so much...

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Given a choice, I think I would prefer to use Fanny as well, thanks very much.

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Well, if Steve doesn't object!!

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Don't we all wish that, somedays!

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
Bet they didn't televise that!

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Think I'd prefer Fanny again... :shock:

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
His name should, in fact, be Jake, not Phil.

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Proves that some cricketers are tossers.

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
That's what I keep telling the missus...

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Feels like being at the Mardi Gras!

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
As do we all, after one of those...

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
To use the words of my missus last night...

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Must be a slow night for them then...

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
I think it's not a practice that was solely restricted to the middle ages...

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Oops... might have to rephrase that one...

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
That's what my coach used to say about my team!

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Obviously a very obliging lady... keep it up!

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
Why admit to that?

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Those footballers!

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Crikeys!

[bilobill Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close bilobill]

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story...... ( Maybe not the one Most of you expect.... So, read to end!)

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly..
And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly .
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.


NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.

... That's All Folks !!

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Subject: Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub. :shock:


Cheers
Chippy

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint, warts and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"SH**!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your shed on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8.. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 14mm or 12mm
socket you've been searching for.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper bar.

10. 100x50 HARDWOOD WALL STUD : Used to attempt to lever a vehicle off a
hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially hardwood.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog faeces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 12mm x 500mm SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.

17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm
Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 kilometres away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part..

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 10mm too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used
as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object you are
trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and
the hand not holding the knife.

25. ANGLE GRINDER: Designed for the purpose of seeing your own living bone
as it begins to dry and scab over.

26. CHAINSAW: A machine that checks whether you have enough band aids in
the medicine box, and guarantees that you don't.

27. TOOLBOX: A container for every possible tool known to mankind, except
the one you are looking for.

27a. CRESCENT/SHIFTER: Tool that replaces the tool required under rule 27,
and rounds off anything not previously rounded off.

28. FILE: For filing flats onto all objects that had flat surfaces before
being rounded. Laws of physics guarantee that new flat surface is smaller
and weaker than previously rounded flat surface.

29. COLD CHISEL: Tool of last resort, used for trying to turn remainder of
protruding round bolt head, usually resulting in bolt head joining the one
redistributed by rule 2.

30. BEER: Solves all problems created by previous 29 rules.

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's Store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable !

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. ...


The Catholic type
supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type
lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type
keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist type
makes mountains out of molehills.'


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...


They forgot the German bra.
Haltzemfromfloppen

Cheers
Chippy

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Medical Distinction

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both
ultimately result in death.