[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the a*sehole - and they are interchangeable'

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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives!

A doctor on a TV talk show this morning said that the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things that I'd started and hadn't
finished.

Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of
Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the
Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fikin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The pilot replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference...
If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to Happy Hour.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman,
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!

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A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. As he sips the beer, he hears a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he sees that the bar is empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, he hears the voice again. This time it says, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man calls the bartender over. "Say, I must be losing my mind," he tells him. "I keep hearing this voice say nice things about my clothes, and there is not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating a bowl of nuts on the bar.

"The peanuts?", replies the man.

"That's right, the peanuts... they're complementary."

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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of
Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
You might as well gas up!"

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Dear Mr. Swan,

Please find below our suggestions for fixing Australia 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to our banks, who we know will only squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following
plan.

You can call it the "Absolute Retirement Plan" or the ARP for short.

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force today. Pay them each $1 million severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:

1) They MUST retire, 10 million job openings = Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car, 10 million cars ordered = Car Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage = Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They MUST pay off 1 of their credit cards/personal loans = Credit Crisis fixed.

5) They MUST send their kids to school/TAFE/university = Education/Crime rate fixed

6) They MUST buy at least $250 WORTH of alcohol a month...... there's your money back in duty/tax etc.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, please have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses, second home
allowances & grossly over abundant retirement packages...

Yours sincerely,

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE Roy,
an undertaker, recently came home with ablack eye. "What happened to you?"
asked his wife. "I had a terrible day."replied Roy. "
I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his
sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body
bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough
there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I
grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?" Roy replied:
"Wrong room."

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

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It seems that since Susan Boyle has shot to fame and is now appearing on television all over the world, the number of terrorist suicide bombings has dropped dramatically.
Apparently a lot of the terrorists had no idea of what a virgin looks like :shock:

[GXL05 Member Find all posts View Profile Close GXL05]

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Oh dear, is this really what we have to look forward to?????

>
>
> Subject: what restaurant ??
>
>
>
> > >> A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should
> > >> meet
> > >> for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Mama
> > >> Luna's
> > >> restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses.
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>> 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once
> > >>> again
> > >>> they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed
> > >>> upon
> > >> that they
> > >> should meet at Mama Luna's because the food there is very good and the
> > >> wine selection is good also.
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>> 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once
> > >>> again
> > >>> they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed
> > >>> upon
> > >> that they should meet at Mama Luna's because they can eatthere in
> > >> peace and quiet
> > >> and the restaurant is smoke free.
> > >>>
> > >>
> > >>> 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once
> > >>> again
> > >>> they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed
> > >>> upon
> > >> that they should meet at Mama Luna's because the restaurant is wheel
> > >> chair
> > >> accessible and they even have an lift.
> > >>>
> > >>
> > >>> > 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once
> > >>> > again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it
> > >>> > is agreed upon
> > >> that they should meet at Mama Luna's because that would be a great
> > >> idea because
> > >> they have never been there before.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I..s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right ? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'




'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll create a life. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some a*hole's got my pen!'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Vi gra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
hundred is from Grandma!"

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THE NASTIEST JOKE EVER

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"

[MickL Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close MickL]

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A man applying for a job at a lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied:

"I've been divorced three times, Bought a Pajero and I voted for Kevin Rudd."



Mick