[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

----- A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the

appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would

now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for

the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it

plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter

out loud as he typed.....












P.....E......N......I......S.



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:






***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

THE GYNAECOLOGIST


A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance
and was on the verge of being burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to change careers and become a
mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was
involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently,
and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the
gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,
but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the
engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because
you did all of it through the muffler

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,


'How did I get here?'


Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'


'Did God send you, too?' asked the child


'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.


'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.


'He sent them also,' the mother said.


'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.


'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.


'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200
years?


No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Four Worms and a lesson____


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:


The first worm in alcohol - Dead.




The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead





Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead







Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.




So the Minister asked the congregation -



What can you learn from this demonstration?



Maxine, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,




"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

CORPORATE CONDOMS

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started sponsoring condoms.

They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

Nike Condoms............................ Just do it

Toyota Condoms......................... Oh what a feeling

Ford Condoms............................ The ride of your life

Microsoft Condoms..................... Where do you want to go today?

Optus Condoms.......................... Yes!

KFC Condoms........................... Finger Lickin' Good

M&M's Condoms....................... Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

Duracell Condoms....................... Keep going and going and going

Pringles Condoms........................ Once you pop you can't stop

Sydney Olympic Condoms.......... Share the Spirit

Hyundai Condoms....................... All day, every day

Tip Top Condoms....................... Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)

Panasonic Condoms.................... Even more than you expected

VB Condoms.............................. As a matter of fact, I've got one now...

Swan Lager Condoms................. They said you'd never make it....

Vegemite Condoms..................... Puts a rose in every cheek (target gay market)

Levi Condoms............................. Do you fit the legend?

Nescafe Condoms....................... It brings you together.

Quicken Condoms....................... Quicken.Easy



The following brands would probably not sell very well...

Mitsubishi Condoms.................... Please consider

AFL Condoms............................ I'd Like to See That

Goodyear Condoms.................... If it only saves you once a year.

Samboy Condoms....................... The flavour really hits you

TAC Condoms............................ Speed kills

Nobby's Condoms...................... Nibble Nobby's Nuts

Bolle' Condoms........................... Put them on your face

Kahlua Condoms......................... Drink the rhythm

Aussie Home-loansCondoms....... We'll save you

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if
she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would
know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply
mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then
arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,

Two with meatballs, one without.

'Send extra sauce.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope,
'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?'
protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Centrelink...

A woman walks into the Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?

"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Terry."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Terry, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?"

Their Mother replied, "Well, yes it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell "Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

...........

.........

......

....

..

.




"I call them by their last names!"

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across campus
when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We
must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." .......... [dramatic pause]
"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of
blind firefighters lost their sight saving our clubhouse
from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.

No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.

You are right, lets go to the beach.

After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them. Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.

Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit.
At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have s*x with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay Her $200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says.
"What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo street" he says."
"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says,
"I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!