[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

How Latex Gloves Are Made
A Dentist noticed that his next patient, a very elderly lady,
was looking very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he
put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't." she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure,
she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
You gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

[Chuck Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chuck]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his
money.


He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education
is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will
teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."


"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"


"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll
get him in the course."


So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.


About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.


"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read."


"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in
that program?"


"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So
he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
father is all excited.


"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in
the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street
Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"


"That's my boy!"


The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[jeff s Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close jeff s]

for the teachers among you

SYDNEY --
A public school teacher was arrested today at Sydney
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Ruddock said he believes
the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged with carrying weapons
of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Ruddock said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to
every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, John Howard said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would havegiven us more fingers and toes."

Aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or
profound statement by the Prime Minister.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Subject: ATR Button




While in a hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts
to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise
not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by
letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm
air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it
is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't
wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital
bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis
is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the perly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Santa from an engineering point-of-view....

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world.

However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or
Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload
for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the
Population Reference Bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to
108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in
each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child,
Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump
down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.


Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth ( which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept
for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not
counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times
the speed of sound.

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional
reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa
himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds.

Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal
amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa
would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh,
another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance.

This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft
re-entering the earth's atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy
per second each.

In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his
trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from
a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
acceleration forces of 17,500 g's.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the
back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

It just goes to show you, you should never let any engineer explain
anything Happy, fantastic, or traditional to you, like Santa, the Tooth
Fairy or Easter Bunny............

Oh, by the way......................................Merry Christmas

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"



The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"



The man turned to his wife and said:



"Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

[plucker Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close plucker]

It all started in a quiet little pub where a few people were having a quiet beer.
The first was an Irishman who noticed when approaching the bar that there was a man sitting opposite that looked like Jesus enjoying a pint or 2.
He politely asks the barman if it is indeed the man and the barman confirms his beliefs.
The Irishman orders a pint of Guiness for Jesus and recieves a thankful nod of appreciation when the beer is delivered.
Soon after a German man approaches the bar and notices the same person and naturally orders him a Heineken which like the Irishman is acknowledged with a thankful nod.
Behind the German in the line is an Aussie who doesn't notice Jesus until served and also insists on buying him a beer, but of course it has to be a VB.
Jesus nods to the Aussie in recognition like the other 2 gents.
As the night progresses, the German, Irishman and Aussie are all chatting merrily away when Jesus approaches.
First of all he thanks the Irishman for the fine pint of Guiness and shakes his hand. Upon releasing his hand the Irishman says "Its amazing, my arthritis that has crippled me for years is gone."
Next Jesus shakes the hand of the German and thanks him for the Heineken and upon releasing his hand the german states that his migrain from the last 10 years is now cured.
Jesus holds his hand out to the Aussie, but the Aussie refuses to shake his hand.
Instead the Aussie steps in close to Jesus and whispers, keep ya bloody hands to yourself, I'm on workers comp.

[joey Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close joey]

Q: why did the walruss go to the tupperware party???


A: he was looking for a tight seal.....
ops: :lol: :twisted:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five Minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*&! YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much
money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and
replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four
weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way
home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! Me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Subject: Fw: Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods


Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career >>going?
Stevie replies, "Not too bad, how's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that going right now."
Stevie Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger in astonishment say, "You play golf?"
Stevie replies, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods looks at him and says, "But you're blind.
How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Steve answers, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward
him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
Well, says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and then I just play the ball
toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie replies, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie Wonder answers, "Well, people don't take me
seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $25,000 a hole."
Tiger Woods thinks about and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

[samo Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close samo]

litte johnny is at the zoo with his mum and his grandma when he turns to his mum and says mum i need to go for a wee, johnny mum says would you like me to take you to the toilet, johnny says no mum i want grandma to take me her hand shakes more

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, " where have you been? "

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, " what is it ? "

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example, Nth America will be a place
of great opportunity and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area land and asked,"what's that?"

"Ah", said God. "That's Western Australia, the most glorious place on earth.There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsman. The people from Western Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"



God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wally's I'm putting on the East Coast"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Cheers
Chippy