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spara · 22-09-2009, 07:05 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

There's this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered
to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.
The other hunters are very curious. "How you gonna get a bear without a
gun?" they ask.
"Do you have a knife?"
"No," says the guy.
"Do you have a club?"
"No," says the guy.
"Don't you worry. I'm gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see."
The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours.
Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear
and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the
guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin.
Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, "Open the
cabin door! Open the door!"
They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open
behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close
behind, running into the cabin, too.
Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, "You skin that one. I'll go get another."

spara · 22-09-2009, 07:23 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ' It's golf balls ' .

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow? '

spara · 24-09-2009, 07:23 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and
watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm
happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and
there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Jon · 25-09-2009, 06:15 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Law of the Garbage Truck

�One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so.... Love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a garbage-free day!�

Jon · 25-09-2009, 06:22 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All brawn & no brain, too many knocks to the head...but what's the excuse for coaches ?

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
(Shane Wakelin).

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
(Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training).

'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'
Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt:

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'
(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

'It's basically the same, just darker.'
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs. Day Games

'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton

'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'
Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season:

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'
(Dermott Brereton).

' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'
(Mark Williams).

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'
(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
(Luke Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'
(Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
(Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.'
(Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.'
(Terry Wallace).

Garry Lyon: ' Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz: 'On what?'

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
(Dermott Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
(Dermott Brereton).

spara · 28-09-2009, 06:39 AM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A thought.
It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of.

'That's very good,' replied the interviewer. 'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.

'Hmmm, let me see... a blink!' said the second man.

'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!', said the interviewer.. 'The blink of an eye.

That's a very popular clich� for speed.'
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
'It's hard to beat the speed of light', he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.

'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea,' said the Aussie.

'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

'Oh, I can explain', said the Aussie, 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom.
But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I sh* t my pants.'

He got the job...

spara · 28-09-2009, 04:59 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?

"No," said the little boy..... "It's a puppy!"

spara · 28-09-2009, 05:01 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby .... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

spara · 28-09-2009, 05:10 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and
the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street,
working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I
don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd
because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees
called in sick.'

spara · 28-09-2009, 06:23 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would
like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how
to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Jon · 28-09-2009, 08:47 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

This is a quiz for people who know everything!

I found out in a hurry that I didn�t.

These are not trick questions.

They are straight questions with straight answers.

Ready �

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vege tables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle.

The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn�t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters �dw� and they are all common words. Name two of them..

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.

Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen,

canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet

beginning with the letter 'S'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward.

Niagara Falls

(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons.

Asparagus and rhubarb

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside.

Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?

It grew inside the bottle.

(The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The
bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw

Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar.

Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen,
apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh:

Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with �S�.

Shoes, socks, sandals,
sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART.....

Today is National Mental Health Day.

You can do your part by remembering to send

an e-mail to at least one unstable person..

(Well, my job�s done!)

spara · 29-09-2009, 10:48 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'� 124,237.64'

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!

What the hell did you sell him?'

Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

spara · 30-09-2009, 11:09 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually

attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,

"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ..and

indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the

wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided

to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering

nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to

the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your

garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants "

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own

in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him

to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a

Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages;

I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Italy , South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California .

There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

Jon · 04-10-2009, 12:18 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Patrick was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a
Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Patrick did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Patrick dead in The punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said.........................................

Wait for it!

************************

OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

spara · 05-10-2009, 08:56 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test
and inquired of his father as to when they could
discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son:
'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided
he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've
brought your grades up and I've observed that you
have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed
you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking
about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible
that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long
hair, Moses had long hair....and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?'

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