[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

After retiring, I went to the Centrelink Office to apply for benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Centrelink Office
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten disability,
as well.'

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No,

I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 70 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."


Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A blonde walks into an ANZ branch in Sydney and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to her new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and it officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

the blonde replied,
"Where else in sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"

[mrfpv Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close mrfpv]

ok. keep it clean

this man was at a bar and had a few drinks. end of the night the bar keeper came up to him and said he had to leave because it was closing time. the man agreed and got up off his stool. he suddenly fell to the floor. he thought wow, im a bit drunk. he attempts to stand again and fell back to the floor. he tried again, no luck. he thought to himself, wow im drunker then i thought. he crawled to the door and attempted again. no luck.

he exits the bar and tries to stand himself up again. no luck. he thinks F*** i dont remember drinking that much.... he decides to crawl home because he lives only a block away. he gets home and opens his door. he attempts to stand up once more.... no luck.... he thinks ok F** this ill just figure it out in the morning. he goes to bed and gets woken up by his wife in the morning screaming at him. she yells, HAVE YOU BEEN OUT DRINKING AGAIN LAST NIGHT!??? the guy replies with an innocent face, no what are you talkin about women???

she replies.... the bar rang, you left your wheelchair there.


ba doom... ching

[Shell Member Find all posts View Profile Close Shell]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.


"They're mating," her father replied.


"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.


"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.


"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.


As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied, "No dear. both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

"The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said.

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, ! and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

Joke of the month:
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled
the room.

What are you doing?" she asked.

I'm waiting for Michael to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.

Love dress? But you're naked!"

Michael loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and
saw her laying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"...

[lofty Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close lofty]

These are actual quotes taken from some Australian Government Departments' employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Thanks jeff and everyone else for some great laughs

Heres one of the funniest things ive seen for ages and one for the wives, 'Mom Song', nearly seven million views so some of you have probably seen it but worth another look :lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

Enjoy

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a

close call yesterday.

I walked into Bunnings hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy

dressed in

A black shirt with an green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.



Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out.



Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Pass this warning on.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Drafting Guys Over 60


I'm over 60 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists.


(You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys always get up early to pee.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.

We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so you can read it.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender and he comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the bartender, now almost trembling. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, no hand soap, and no paper towels in the ladies room."

[Shell Member Find all posts View Profile Close Shell]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined tomake this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dr essed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chair s,

Enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ GoodMorning, Father," nodding and addressing eac h of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought evenmore outrageous outfits

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, tak ing her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

"Good morning, Father ~ Goodmorning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied,

"Father, it's me,............ Sister Kathleen!

[middojnr Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close middojnr]

Father-In-Law Gag

Have had my father-in-law living with us since my mother-in-law passed away at Christmas time.

Only fair, really. It's his house.


[I didn't say it was a good joke...]

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

Why do you think it's called Wrigley's

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."