[OT] Jokes page

[dickybird Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dickybird]

Apple Announcement

APPLE ANNOUNCEMENT

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts
and
not listening to them!!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Kevin R..d was out jogging one morning along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House
in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below. Before the
Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Movie World in QLD' Kevin said, 'No problem, I'll
take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo “SHARK” bathers.' Kevin said, ‘I’ll
get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, 'Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'

'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.

'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'

'Right.' Said Julia.


Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'

'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again

to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'







'Strewth no!' said the barman.

'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two a***holes!'

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined, the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is under-weight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled
in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was
heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are
the Irish,"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't
even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said.... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the but ton.



Nothing!



I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4
inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened
next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over
again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace.



The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.



Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe
came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Classic... this brought tears to my eyes. :lol: :lol: But we all know we'd all want to do the same if given the chance. :shock:

ps. the cat was very lucky!

[Signature035 Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Signature035]

That is a classic !!!! I'm still hurting.

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

I laughed so hard I'm, also, still looking for my nuts :lol: :lol:

Cheers
Chippy

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'


The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!


The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

A young man named Peter bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Peter replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'I can't do that, because I've spent it already.

Peter said, 'OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Peter answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

To which the farmer exclaimed, 'Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

But Peter, with a smirk on his face said, 'Of course I can, I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with Peter and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Peter said, 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two bucks a piece and made a huge, fat profit!!'

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'

To which Peter replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra $200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Peter grew up and eventually became the Treasurer and no matter how many ways he spun it, or how much money he stole from the Australian voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think any politician is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country, think again, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

:!: :!: :!: IQ Test :!: :!: :!:

Below are four 4 questions and a bonus question for those that dare. But try not to embarrass yourself, OK?

There are no tricks here. Just read the questions and give your answer.

The only rules are:

:arrow: You have to answer the questions instantly.

:arrow: You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

:arrow: Don't cheat by looking ahead before you give your answer.

Simple.


Now let's find out just how clever you really are.... :?: :?: :?:


:idea: First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?





























Answer:

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!


If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to screw up next time.



Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?


:idea: Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?































Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.

Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you? :sad:


:idea: Third Question:

:arrow: Very tricky arithmetic!

:arrow: Note: This must be done in your head only.

:arrow: Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

:arrow: Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20.

Now add another 1000 Now add 10.


What is your total :?: :?: :?:


















Did you get 5000? :smile:

















The correct answer is actually 4100. :shock:

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!



Today is definitely not your day, is it? :cry: :cry:



Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.


:idea: Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter? :?:















Did you Answer Nunu?









NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary! Read the question again!








Okay, perhaps you might do better in the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.


By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.


Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

















He just has to open his mouth and ask... :?

:?: :?: :?: How did you go :?: :?: :?:

ops: ops: ops: ops: ops: ops: ops: ops: ops: ops: ops:

[Bear Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bear]

:?: :?: :?: How did you go :?: :?: :?:

A question better not asked :lol: :lol: ops:
Worse still, the wife of inferior intellect got more right than me ops: ops: ops: AND NO :!: I shall not let on my non-score :evil:

Mate, that's a classic :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
Noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
Wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, ' My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. '

The priest looked up from his book and answered,

'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
Doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
Went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
Said, ' Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
Instead of your collar. '