[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Husband and wife are shopping in Woolies when the man picks up a case of VB and puts in into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on special , only $30 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF VB AND IT'S HALF THE F.......ING PRICE'

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Subject: FW: Indian Boy in USA, THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN A LONG TIME!!!





It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his

hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!"

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,

shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its

history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F*** the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

"General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,

1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S**k this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the

teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little s**t. If you say

anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, " Michael

Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on

the floor, someone said, "Oh s**t, we're f*****!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly,

I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An Irish tale

98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying
to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but
she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen

and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received

as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and

poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to

her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more

and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole

glass down to the last drop.

'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest,

'please give us some wisdom before you die.'

She raised herself up in bed and said,

'Don't sell that cow.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?

The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "You idiot. You can't treat a cough with a laxative.

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can. Look at him, he's too scared to cough."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her
husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for
her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and
said, "Lord, they're finally together."



One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:

The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or,
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the! ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea,
as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ......
"OK, I give up. Where's the f**kin' ship?"

[cjd Member Find all posts View Profile Close cjd]

the horth withperer

THE HORTH WITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a Male or female horse. 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth, Can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, Can I see her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf, Can I see her twat'? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and plops him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his lady friend. 'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now.

' Dorothy responded, 'If we're being honest with each other, here goes. . . . . I'm a hooker.' ' I see,' Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says. A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. .'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' That must've been scary', said the teacher.

' It sure was', said the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say ' f#*k' , the Rottweiler ate him!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
Living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
Days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
And welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
Way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
Yard chasing about 10 chickens, not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese
Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
To knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinese man urinate into a very large glass and then drink it. Not wanting to Interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on Hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last Go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull Down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's
Bum. As if he is trying to sniff it or something...??

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
Man and says 'Jeez Matey , what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
Around the yard after chickens. The next day you are pissing into a glass,
And drinking it as if it tasted like cold beer, and now today you have your
head so close to that Bull's' bum, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says
'Sorry sir, you no Understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't
Australian customs.'

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese Man,'
He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink
Piss, and listen to bull-shit'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A charming 5 year old builders labourer


Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a
little 5 year old girl and some building workers that makes you
believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of
our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant block.
One day the builders arrived to start the house.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing
the workers.
Eventually the builders , all of them rough diamonds, more or
less adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted with her, let her
sit with them while they had smoko and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take the two dollar 'pay' she had received to the bank the
next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with
the builders on the house next door.'
My goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will if those arseholes at Bunnings ever
deliver the f***ing Gyprock..'

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

great white shark sighted in Swan River

great white shark sighted in Swan River...you can never be too careful these days!

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

prado action shot

I'd be a bit more careful on water crossings in future I reckon...

[Kevin Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Kevin]

Re: prado action shot

I'd be a bit more careful on water crossings in future I reckon...

That's beautiful muzza :lol: :lol: :lol: