[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Asylum for the Verbally Insane - Author unknown

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.


If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is neither egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England .

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writer's write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham.

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet
that smell.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop?

And that is just the beginning--even though this is the end.

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him
leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"


He replied, "No. I work for a condom Company. These are customer complaints."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Dave and Jim are a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?' So they pour
themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning Dave?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Perth.'

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After

several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,

and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try

artificial insemination.



The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not

wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know

when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop

standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when

they are pregnant.



The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion

that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,

has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.



Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they

are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't

take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to

the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back,

and goes to bed exhausted.


Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive

them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon

returning home, falls knackered into bed.



The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look

out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep

are lying in the grass.



'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

THE OLDER CROWD


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office!
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I 'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

---------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------


Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.






You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

-------------------------------


One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change
from being young.

<><><><><><><><><>

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

<><><><><><><><><>

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

---------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two old guys are pushing their carts around K-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'

‘The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Getting Old is FUN!!!


Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.


An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'



Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'



A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep. None of us could get the jar open.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach

and BBQ's


He created night for going prawning,sleeping

and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, - swimming and BBQ's on the beach , and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt
and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's,
and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ..
Well......... almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just only good.
It was much better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

--- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep. None of us could get the jar open.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the shit out of him...


Like his mother used to do.

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

Before Marriage.. After Marriage

Before marriage.... .



He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

[bilobill Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close bilobill]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response


Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of
the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.


His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'


The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'


Bloody women they think of everything!!!!