[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.

'The man replied, You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered..

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter..

Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose

[MDS69 Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close MDS69]

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Tony was online at his computer and had
just told his fellow Prado Pointers that he couldn't make the upcoming PP GTG '09 because his missus
wouldn't let him go.

After copping the under the thumb remarks and other
derisive remarks Tony logged off and went back to the missus.

When Tony's mates started arriving to set up camp at
the PP GTG '09 the following week who should be there
but Tony sitting up in front of the Prado , swag rolled
out , beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in
a hot bed of Coolabah coals.

"How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Tony ?"

"I didn't have to", was Tony's reply.

"When I went back into the lounge room I slumped down in my
chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus
snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise".

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a
beautiful see through negligee and she said , ' Carry me
into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what
ever you want .'

SO HERE I AM !

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
That if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer. Amen."

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

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The Meaty Bites Diet
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites
Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was
because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

[MDS69 Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close MDS69]

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The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

[switched Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close switched]

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Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of
Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs
around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse........

next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

[plucker Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close plucker]

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Funny but 2009 is the year of the Ox.

[switched Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close switched]

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Geez plucker, seems your right there. Looks like I was had! ops:
From Google:
2005 is Year of Rooster; 2006 is Year of Dog; and 2007 is the Year of Pig. 2008 is the Year of the Rat and 2009 is year of the Ox

[plucker Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close plucker]

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On the bright side 2010 is not the year of the Cock :shock: so we can all start to relax. It is however the year of the tiger. :lol:

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

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Looks like I was had! ops:

What... someone actually believing as fact information contained in a chain email derived from the Internet? Now that's a laugh! :roll: :lol: :lol:

[switched Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close switched]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Looks like I was had! ops:

What... someone actually believing as fact information contained in a chain email derived from the Internet? Now that's a laugh! :roll: :lol: :lol:

doesn't everybody believe what they read on the intarweb/email I'm still waiting patiently for my promised virgins since I forwarded the email to at least 15 people :lol: And no, Im not sharing them when they get here :wink: :P :P

[switched Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close switched]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

On the bright side 2010 is not the year of the Cock :shock: so we can all start to relax. It is however the year of the tiger. :lol:

Looks like I cocked that one up ey Plucker :lol:

[bilobill Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close bilobill]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Sister MaryAnn,
Was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients
When she ran out of petrol.
As luck would have it, a Caltex Station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can and buy some petrol. The
Attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had been loaned out,
But she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on
The way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to one of her patients. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,

" If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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A young priest arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other priest in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the priest are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new priest goes to the Bishop to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.





The Bishop says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'





He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Bishop . . ..



So, the young priest gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, 'We missed the R ! We missed the R! We missed the R !' His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.



The young priest asks the old Bishop, 'What's wrong, father?'



With A choking voice, the old Bishop replies, 'The word was...






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