[OT] Jokes page

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Tracked down my old parish priest the other day.
I said, "You've caused me a lifetime of pain, the abuse, the shame , the guilt, thinking it was all my fault. I contemplated suicide so many times, I just can't live with myself any more."

He said, "Well don't blame me. You're the one who said 'I do!"

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

John arrives at jail, convicted of a white collar crime and absolutely scared sh^tless of what awaits him. His fragile lilly white body is stripped down, showered and reclothed in prison greens.

John can barely walk as a guard directs him to his now home for the next 2 years, a result of embezzling a few thousand dollars. His remorse is overwhelming as he passes cell after cell of bulked up testosterone.

He finally comes to a halt and slowly casts is eyes over the cell containing his future cell mate.

He is confronted by the black equivilent of hulk Hogan standing 7 foot tall, 5 foot across the shoulders, unshaven and capable of using John's small frame as a toothpick.

John is speechless as he lays his belongings and blankets on the vacant lower bunk. He sits on the end of the bed, knees knocking as his heart pounds so loud in his chest he thinks it will deafen him.

His cell companion stands up looks at John and says, "So you wnna be mommy or Daddy?"

John immediately glances at the crutch in front of him. While this hulk of a man is standing two feet away, the crutch coming to a poiunt in front of him is just millimeteres from his nose.

John, thinks carefully about the limited options and seeing a clear way out, declares with all the courage he can muster "Daddy, I want to be Daddy!"

Well Daddy, time to suck Mummies ............

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

What does MacDonalds and Australia have in common?



?

?

?

They are both run by a big red clown!

[wooley Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close wooley]

[wooley Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close wooley]

not jokes, but hilarious none the less...

[cardinal28 Member Find all posts View Profile Close cardinal28]

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.


In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as
Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such
as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs,
and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to
fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.................................................. ..........................
.............................


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is
an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved
Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as
designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery
and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause
Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very
bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).. Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These
are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and
cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running
one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve
memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Herd of cows, A Flock of chickens...

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.


And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not ....... A Congress!

[Guest Close Guest]

Nine words women use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)

( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

[QUICKY Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close QUICKY]

A simple message about life






I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.





A carload of young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, stopped next to me..
The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.





Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So, today, bright & early, I went out & got a job as a truck driver

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
Obama asks him his name.

"Stanley", responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans
don't have health insurance?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they
will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right:
question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his
name.
"Steve", he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans
don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f... happened to Stanley?"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

She married and had 10 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again her husband died.
But she remarried and this time had 9 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Praise be to the Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied,
"I think he means her legs!"

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

The Irish SAS were dropped into Libya last week with orders to take Gaddafi out! -------------

So far he's been to the cinema twice and tonight its Ten Pin Bowling!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A woman was leaving a 7-11 store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a Pit Bull dog on a leash. Behind her were at least 200 women, walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband,"

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well who's in the second hearse?"

"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then, the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

She replied, "Get in line."

__________________________________________________ __

[cardinal28 Member Find all posts View Profile Close cardinal28]

When you have a “I hate my Job” day.


[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.


Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.

Have A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart....

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!