[OT] Jokes page

[raydes Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close raydes]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The
Gorilla was on heat..

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big
Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species... So the zoo administrators thought they
might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex
with the gorilla for $500? Graham showed some interest, but said he would
have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions:

'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what his third condition was.

'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the
$500.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind' the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

>>>> Choosing a wife
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
>>>> among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of
>>>> $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty
>>>> salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and
>>>> dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
>>>> this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
>>>>
>>>> The man was impressed.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a
>>>> new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some
>>>> expensive clothes.
>>>> As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all
>>>> the money on him because she loves him so much.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Again, the man is impressed.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns
>>>> several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and
>>>> reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she
>>>> wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Obviously, the man was impressed.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done
>>>> with the money he'd given her.
>>>>










>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

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Re: [OT] Jokes page

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'

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Re: [OT] Jokes page

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in
front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind
car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in
church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.

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Re: [OT] Jokes page

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Re: [OT] Jokes page

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie
listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands
and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's
favourite flower?'

Tony leaned over, touched Julie 's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.

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Re: [OT] Jokes page

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd
in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud
towards him. The
driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell
you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me
a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The
yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his
Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo
in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected

Excel Spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out
a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
LaserJet
printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows
and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,'
says the Jackeroo.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his
car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young
man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You
work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's
correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing
required.' answered the Jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called
you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never
asked.

You used all kinds of expensive equipment
that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than
me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows
This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.'

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Re: [OT] Jokes page

He Said, I Said



He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ....... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said … That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[crowey Member Find all posts View Profile Close crowey]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

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Re: [OT] Jokes page

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind,he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with Adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity,for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular
Basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?.... .. .



We just call him 'TV.'



He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.'

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Re: Difference between potential and reality

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."

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Re: [OT] Jokes page

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said. She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.

He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls..'