[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where the heck do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've already got one at home.

[mersenne Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close mersenne]

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A guy fell asleep on the beach for Several hours and got horrible sunburn, Specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied: 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[mersenne Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close mersenne]

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I hear they give Viagra to old men in nursing homes to stop them breaking their hips!
Apparently it stops them rolling out of bed

[Cypress Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Cypress]

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A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. .....

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

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Amazingly simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be too afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.


Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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A friend of mine got his son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got his Daughter an iPod for hers. He was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought him an iPad for father’s day.


He bought his wife an iRon for her Birthday,,,,,,,,,,, it was around then that the fight started......

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling.






Have a great day!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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UP
Read until the end ... you'll laugh.
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!
Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
U
P!
Did that one crack you UP?

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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A true blue Aussie joke >
>>
>> > Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While
>> > rummaging
>>> through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.
>>> He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
>>>
>>> This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not
>>> the standard three.
>>>
>>> Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn
>>> the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
>>>
>>> The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
>>> the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
>>>
>>> Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as
>>> the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked
>>> disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
>>> After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo!
>>> Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

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Harrods

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to
inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a
sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind
her - Good looking as well!
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,
'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers,
"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh1t yourself when I tell you the price!"

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny asked Mum what 2 words mean that kids at school were using...........Pussy and Bitch.
Mum inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico . A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy ."
"Thanks, Mum.."
He then found his Dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mum, but I don't think she was honest"
Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said:
"Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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*Two Woodpeckers...* A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.


The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?



After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion.
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, 'Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.'

[Cypress Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Cypress]

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Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a sinking ship whose passengers had jumped overboard.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.

"First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? "

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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A friend of mine got his son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got his Daughter an iPod for hers. He was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought him an iPad for father’s day.


He bought his wife an iRon for her Birthday,,,,,,,,,,, it was around then that the fight started......

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

Are you ready for this...........?

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful.

Have a great day!